If you were in NYC this weekend looking for a bunch of single virgins, we hope you did not miss out on the opportunity of a lifetime.
Kanye West held a pop-up shop for his The Life of Pablo merch—it’s his new album, you know the one with the line about making T. Swift famous and the probable sex they should have to consummate their relationship (beautiful and klassy as always, Kanye)—in NYC’s SoHo neighborhood and we went down there to get a feel for the type of person who had given their life over to Yeezus.
For starters, the line was so long you’d think that Kanye was giving away free blowjobs and not over-priced merch at the end of it. People started waiting outside the shop the day before it opened and camped out overnight. And we thought we couldn’t feel any more strongly about the word “camping.” We were wrong. Not only were people camping, but they were also getting Domino's delivered so that they didn’t have to leave their place in line to eat. Two mortal enemies in one: slumming it and complex carbohydrates.
Second, the fact that Kanye was making his fans pay money for these products is the most messed up thing since The Bachelor producers stole The Bachelorette away from Caila and gave it to JoJo. (Great move, though; love Persian princess Jojo) If you paid $45 for a screen printed shirt with Kanye’s mom Donda on one side and Kim’s dad Robert Kardashian on the back, call me. I have a Nigerian prince I want you to meet. Also, I can help you make a million I’m just going to need ten thousand to get started.
Third, the one plus that could have come out of this whole ordeal was a chance to actually see Kanye and Kim. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t want to see them in all their glory. Connect with North West as she screamed, "no pictures," just like you do when you’re still drunk from last night at 11am and people want to add you to their Snapchat story. But no, they were in Los Angeles this weekend while hordes of hype beasts made them even richer. It made me think that dating one of these fuccbois wouldn’t be such a bad idea.......
Not only will they put up with your narcissism, they’ll eat it up! These are people who worship a man who says he’s more influential than Pablo Picasso and Stanley Kubrick and has a song called “I Am A God.” Suddenly, no one is denying your (rightful) claim that you’re more perfect than the Mona Lisa. Complaints that everyone else is an idiot and you should be the Queen of the world are quickly seconded. Fill yourself with whatever deluded thoughts you have and let them hold the string of your inflated ego balloon.
Also, they look like they’d be really good at following directions. You haven’t seen a group more homogenous than the one that turned up to the pop-up since those pictures from Jonestown. It’s like they live underground and someone supplies them with Palace, Supreme, or Yeezy merchandise whenever they’re allowed outside. They should have no problems taking directions from you like drive me to the mall, give me $50, and wait in the parking lot. I will not be done soon.
Unfortunately, The Life of Pablo pop-up has packed up to take its circus anywhere but here. But if you see a dude wearing the merch on Tinder, consider swiping right. You can at least get around to completing that charity work you’ve been meaning to do. #FuccboisDeserveLoveToo