Kardashians Recap: Kris Jenner Enters Kougartown

By The Betches

The second half of the Kardashians premiere was a lot more like what I signed up to recap, aka a lot of silly shit they arrange to distract and mask the true events of their lives. TG! 

While Sunday's episode was thorougly depressing (and real), by Monday night it was as if almost none of that even happened. Like doesn't Kris Jenner seem so sad about her divorce while riding bikes in Sonoma to promote the vineyard of another reality star?

I can't decide if the Kris Jenner/Jonathan Cheban Sonoma trip was an attempt at making people think Jonathan is straight or to let all the young B-list boys know that it's open season for dating Kris. Or maybe it was just a huge publicity favor for Jonathan and Ben. Killing two birds with one scene. I wonder if Jonathan and Ben Flajnik realize that they're basically straight/gay twins. Look, they both even have trouble fully opening their left eyes while smiling. I can't believe Kris didn't seize this moment and turn it into the Parent Trap. Your birthday's on October 11th!?

Not to mention that Kris blatantly lied to Kim about taking a fucking plane to another part of California and said she was shopping like, down the block. That's how you know Kim is her favorite, because she doesn't even bother to call and lie to the other daughters about where she is. Not even the one who's depressed over the constant barrage of cheating rumors and damaging comments from her husband's fucked up family. Which daughter was that again?

Meanwhile, Kim is on a psycho weightloss mission which means she can't leave the house anymore because she might be tempted to eat something. I mean, her body isn't ready to be seen in public yet and if she started eating now, she probably wouldn't be ready for her post-baby Us Weekly shoot in time. I agree this is the best way for her to achieve and maintain her weight, especially since she can just rewrite all her contracts with a clause saying there cannot be food within a certain radius of her. Voila, self control issues solved. (Except hot dogs on a stick, because the endorsement contract hasn't ended yet.) 

Also, don't expect to see Kim wearing black anymore. She Kanye decided her style is going to be LIGHT and FUN now. And as you can see on Kim's instagram from this morning she's great at sticking to goals. 

Finally, the real reason I watch this show: Scott. Any time Scott tries to get a hobby is obviously hilarious, even more so when you remember this happens at least once a season, always at the suggestion of a therapist and/or Kourtney telling a therapist to suggest he gets a hobby.

This time he chooses karate, because he clearly hasn't realized that you don't just "get a hobby" in one day, especially not karate. My 8-year-old self could've told him it takes mad effort to move up in the belt system and that any sort of Asian based endeavor requires like Olympic levels of practice. If anything, this is just further proof that he's truly never had a hobby, so at least part of this show is real. Maybe he should stop choosing things like race car driving that require massive amounts of time and skill. So sue him if his major talent is standing in a club being photographed with whatever brand of alcohol is paying him to stand there. I mean, the rest of the family is either too old, too pregnant, or too divorced to do that anymore. 




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