As we all know, Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom are broken up, as evidenced by Katy Perry’s new “I’m Going Through A Breakup” pixie cut. So which heartthrob nobody has cared about since 2005 will Katy Perry take off the market next? Should we pull Shane West out of retirement? Maybe give Ben Mckenzie a call? I know Josh Hartnett isn’t doing anything.
Nope, it looks like the most viable option for Katy Perry to continue to crush our high school selves’ heart is Ryan Phillippe who, like any man who has caught feelings for a woman, took to Twitter this week to declare that he and KP are not dating. Because there is no better way to let the world know that you’re not dating someone than to “jokingly” tweet about it, because the idea is soooo funny to you. Ryan Phillippe is basically every dude who has ever casually mentioned how “everyone” thinks that you’re dating just to see how you react, and then acts totally shocked if you show interest. Seriously, look at this shit:
I AM NOT DATING KATY PERRY. BARELY KNOW HER. PLEASE STOP FLYING HELICOPTERS OVER MY HOUSE. SHE IS NOT HERE.
thx
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 10, 2017
Oh really, Ryan? Paparazzi are “flying helicopters” over your house looking for Katy Perry? How do you even know what the helicopters are looking for? Maybe they’re a search party trying to locate your career, which hasn’t been seen since the last time we had a republican president. Predictably, Twitter was not buying this fuckboy-esque behavior from Phillippe, and pointed out the obvious:
@RyanPhillippe THATS WHAT SOME1 WHO HAS KATY PERRY IN HIS BASEMENT WOULD SAY…..
— jonesy (@flyboy4014) April 10, 2017
Okay but here is where shit gets interesting because, as we know, Katy Perry is one of the most extra pop stars in existence and boasts a Taylor Swift level roster of A-list ex boyfriends (literally, considering they both dated John Mayer). KP, instead of doing what any self-respecting person would do and ignoring Phillippe’s obvious thirst trap, did what most post-breakup betches would do and decided to fuck wit it:
Can u let me out of this basement pls? https://t.co/I2WKOsIxak
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
So now here we have two very famous (or, used to be very famous) individuals who are on Twitter telling people that they’re not dating but are also simultaneously hardcore flirting for all of the world to see. Do these two think we’re fucking dumb? I haven’t put thousands of hours into stalking my ex’s mentions to not recognize when two people are flirting online. Please do not insult me this way. Of course, Phillippe, who hasn’t been relevant a day since he stopped being Reese Witherspoon’s husband, responded immediately:
@katyperry never
— Dr. Philz (@RyanPhillippe) April 11, 2017
And then, because Katy just couldn’t resist going back and responding to the original tweet…
Hi, nice to meet you, sorry bout that @RyanPhillippe carry on, lol.
— Katy Perry (@katyperry) April 10, 2017
There is a 90% chance that Phillippe slid directly into Katy Perry’s DMs after this tweet was sent, and the two of them are vigorously sexting at this exact moment. Seriously, you don’t joke about kidnapping a woman and keeping her in your basement unless you really like her. Beauty And The Beast taught us that. This Twitter convo has all the trademarks of a celeb romance in the making. Katy Perry is obviously trying to come off as a “cool girl” here, using a casual, lowercase “lol” to show that she is emotionally distant, though those of us who study in Textology know that the only way that she could show that she is more interested would be to say “k” and sign off for a while. Phillippe’s interest is a given because, literally what else is he doing right now? Serious question.
Now please excuse me while I find someone to bet on wedding dates online with me. I give it six months.
