Key Lime Bars

By Betchy Crocker

Welcome to detox week. Although your liver is still trying to process the copious amounts of drugs and alcohol (coupled with the ringing in your ears brought on by explosions for 'merica), we thought it’d be a GREAT time for a comforting dessert.

The way we see it, things like apple pie, blueberry cobbler, and key lime anything still have fruit and are, therefore, somewhat healthy. I mean, wash it down with a vodka soda and you’re like, still probably within your diet guidelines.


  • 1 ½ cups finely crushed graham crackers
  • ½ cup granulated sugar
  • ½ cup melted unsalted butter
  • 8 oz of cream cheese, softened
  • 1 egg
  • ½ cup granulated sugar
  • 2 tbsps lime juice (obviously if you can get Key lime, do that)
  • 1 tsp lime zest
  • Whipped cream

Heat the oven to 350F. Grease a 13x9 baking pan. Combine the graham crackers, sugar, and butter in a medium bowl – mixing well – then press the mixture firmly into the bottom of the prepared pan (try greasing your hands a little so that the mixture doesn’t stick while you’re pushing it down). Bake the crust for 12 to 14 minutes without fucking burning it and remove when you can smell the crust and see that the edges are golden. Let it cool.

In a large bowl, combine cream cheese, egg, sugar, lime juice, and lime zest until well blended. We suggest using a stand mixer, but if you don’t have one it’s whatever. Pour/spread the mixture evenly and gently over the crust, being careful not to fuck up your graham cracker bottom. Bake for 10 to 12 minutes, then remove and cool completely.

When totally cool, top with whipped cream (as much or as little as you want) and cut into even squares. Pretty sure these are the equivalent of like one fruit serving for the day.





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