September 2, 2015
Khloe is everyone’s least favorite Kardashian. Well, maybe not everyone’s least favorite - lots of people praise her for the character she plays on “Keeping up With the Kardashians,” who often “speaks her mind” and “puts people in their place.” Those are fine qualities and all, but let’s be real - intangibles like that are what you reach for when you want to say something nice about someone who doesn’t have any outward, obviously positive characteristics. “If you can’t say something nice, say something vaguely nice.” - Thumper in Bambi.
But Khloe, not one to be held back by the marginally fewer millions of dollars she makes relative to her sisters, forges ahead. She appears to have a sponsorship deal with something called the Waist Gang Society. What is a Waist Gang Society? Good question! Are they a band of tragically illiterate environmental activists? Are they a street gang whose signature look is wearing their pants not below the buttocks, but properly belted at their natural waists? Since Khloe schills for them on her (inexplicably popular) instagram account, maybe we can go there for clues…
GHAAAAHHHH MAKE IT STOP WHAT IS THAT? How is that? That is not Khloe’s natural shape, nor is it anyone’s natural shape. Though she was wise enough to snap the picture against a clean, white backdrop, I can’t see any signs of photoshop. No, it would appear that Khloe Kardashian, a multimillionaire and (semi) beloved (pseudo) celebrity, is being paid in exchange for turning her internal organs into soup. By my estimation, she’s gagging on her own spleen here.
Ladies, if you would like to feel as though you’re constantly seconds away from being an ambitious python’s next meal but aren’t fortunate enough to have a sister who let a D-list musician urinate on her on film, you can pay $130 for the privilege.
Khloe, there’s no need to do this to yourself - I can just as easily forget you exist, just the way you are. Billy Joel wrote that, I think.
Head Pro finally figured out that twitter is for suckers, so he's on instagram now. He makes all of his own jokes, and his mom laughed at one and said it was funny. Find him at @betchesheadpro..