Who The Fuck Is Kim Davis And Why Should We Care?

By Jane Duh

So, if you’re like me, your feed as been flooded with this dumpy ass bitch named Kim Davis who hates gays and DGAF what her hair looks like, apparently. Kim Davis’ journey to go from fugly, hateful nobody to fugly, hateful somebody started at the beginning of the summer, which means you might just be tuning in now because June - August were spent summering in Blackout City.

Here are the basics

Kim Davis is the County Clerk of Rowan County Kentucky and she like, really doesn’t want gay people to get married. Which is like, okay. If I had a dollar for every sad looking southern lady who has a problem with gays I’d be rich AF (I mean, I am rich AF but that’s not the point). Unfortunately, unlike most random gay bashing white ladies, she is the County Clerk which means she is actually in charge of who does and does not get married in Rowan County, Kentucky. So that’s like, a problem.

You see, Kim Davis looooooves “traditional” marriage. She loves it so much, in fact, she’s been married four times to three different dudes, which she gets a lot of hate for but, girlfriend, if you can find three different dudes to marry and re-marry that mess then more power to you. But, then again, I’m the type of person who thinks somebody else’s marriage isn’t any of my fucking business soooo...

Anyway, this wacky ass hoe went to and was released from jail this month and took all of America for a ride on the bullshit train. Here’s how it went down:

JUNE 26, 2015: The Supreme Court is all like, “Gay people can get married now!” and the rest of us are like “duh about fucking time!” and taking shots with our Gay BFFs and planning their elegant weddings, but somewhere deep down in a bumfuck nowhere town called Rowan County Kentucky, Kim Davis’ butt is very very hurt.

JUNE 29, 2015: Kim Davis realizes that for some fucking insane reason she holds elected office, and decides she’s gonna take her homophobia show on the road by declaring that she’s not going to issue marriage licenses to gay couples. Presumably one of her friends was like “Yo you can’t do that...” and she was like “like shit I can’t!” and then decided that she wouldn’t issue marriage licenses to straight couples either. You know, because she sucks.

JULY 2, 2015: The ACLU (that group that sues people) sues Kim Davis on behalf of of four couples, two gay and two straight, that were denied marriage licenses by her fuckery. In the meantime, Kim D is getting Kim K levels of attention which she clearly loves and a lot of annoying old people like Mike Huckabee are getting very into her bullshit because, of course.

JULY 8, 2015: Some Kentucky county clerks (which btw, was not a job on my radar before this event) all get together and petition their governor for a bill to accommodate people “who are huge fucking dicks” or, as they actually put it, “who are can’t issue licenses for religious reasons.” Governor Beshear is like “lol no” and the saga continues.

AUGUST 12, 2015: After almost two full months of us having to look at Kim Davis being like “nah” a Federal court is finally like, “Yo you have to issue marriage licenses or we will for real put you in jail.” Kim Davis, again, is like, “nah.”

AUGUST 27, 2015: Another court (who knew there were so many??), specifically the U.S 6th Circuit Court of Appeals is basically like “We agree with our boys in the Federal Court. Just fucking issue marriage licenses already!”

In the meantime, people in Rowan County are like, not able to get married. No confirmation on this but I imagine many bachelorettes were ruined by this which is a g-d shame.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2015: So now the Supreme Court is like “a’ight fine we’ll get involved” and ALSO tells Kim Davis to suck a big dick and do her fucking job.

SEPTEMBER 3, 2015: THOT GETS LOCKED THE FUCK UP!!! Kim Davis is found in contempt of court and is taken into custody. Her mug shot looks about as good as any other pic of her we’ve seen so far:

SEPTEMBER 3 --- SEPTEMBER 8, 2015: Anti-gay homophobes FREAK THE FUCK OUT and are all like “YOU CAN’T DO THAT TO CHRISTIANS CHRISTIANS ARE IMMORTAL NOW WE ARE GOING TO SHIT DOWN YOUR DICKHOLES UNTIL SHE IS FREE” or something along those lines. Basically every dickhead from Mike Huckabee to Ted Cruz comes out of the woodwork to say that the Supreme Court totally pushed Kim Davis in front of that bus.

SEPTEMBER 8, 2015: Kim is released from prison and the aforementioned hyper-Christian dickheads throw her a big welcome home party where they play the song “Eye of the Tiger” because every person involved in this is a parody of themselves, but not before US District Judge David Bunning ordered her to fulfill her duties as County Clerk and issue marriage licenses. Basically the legal equivalent of some dude telling you to “chill.”

So now we’re in Kim Davis limbo and everything seems chill but Kim is still claiming she’s not going to let gays get married so this bullshit could continue for a long, long time.
Personally, my only hope with all of this is that she ends up back in jail and shows up as a recurring character on OITNB.





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