June 17, 2015
“Dear Kim, when you read this, you’ll be 10 years older in the year 2025,” Kim Kardashian West pretends to type, failing to understand that she is, in fact, reading it right fucking now. It’s how she begins her “letter to her future self,” which, since it’s obviously meant just for her 10 years from now, she’s sharing on the internet today. And now I’m sharing it. Fuck.
Writing a letter to your future self is stupid, because your past self doesn’t know shit, and your future self will know plenty on account of having grown from your current self. I mean, what would Past You have written to Present You? “Dear future self, please be sure to use Beanie Baby investment proceeds to buy MOAR Beanie Babies, lol. Also, remember to tell Jacob that you love him every day?” But because it’s a stupid idea, Kim Kardashian West is doing it, and she will profit from it, somehow. Choice excerpts:
“When it comes to how you feel about your body, remember to be kind to yourself and enjoy how you look now, because you’re not getting any younger.” Christ, am I the only one who finds that a little too on the nose for a woman who’s in her mid-30s and pregnant with her second child?
“Since North is now 12, I hope you remember that preteens are going through a lot.” And that she still exists, I’m guessing.
“I hope Khloe finds her ‘happily ever after’ and falls madly in love, because she really deserves it.” It’s entirely possible that by 2025, we will in fact have found a male sasquatch specimen.
“Kylie… had better just be doing… whatever she wants, because... she’s not usually one to take a lot of direction.” She literally couldn’t think of a single nice thing to say about her half-sister.
Kim concludes the video in which she broadcasts herself writing a letter to her future self (God, this is exhausting) by naming the Google Doc “DON’T OPEN UNTIL 2025.”
Brilliant! If only you’d thought to do that with your sex tape!.