February 17, 2014
Last night on Keeping Up With the Kardashians, the unwed parents of North West had a "surprise" engagement in the most low key manner possible. Can you believe he just took her to a quiet spot where no one could bother them? Oh wait, it was the most gauche thing I've ever seen in my life. Luckily in the other half of the episode we were treated to the happy life and times of the Disick family. I mean, was it not the most awkward thing how they cut from Kim as the happiest person ever to Scott who is like depressed and dealing with his two sick parents, neither of whom are alive anymore. Classy as always.
Seriously you would've thought Kim was undergoing a fucking coronation or like, the Super Bowl halftime show instead of a micromanaged Kris Jenner production. She was in top form last night. QUIET!! Cell phones off!! No instagram!!! Ugh it's sooo Kris Jenner to think the only way to top getting proposed to on a jumbotron at a sports event is to rent out the entire stadium.
I also loved how Kris was so happy to tell everyone of her involvement in planning the engagement surprise, such as chartering the private jet and making sure their transportation had tinted windows. I'm sure Kris was so involved in the planning because Kanye sees her as a mother figure and not because she's the executive producer of Kim Kardashian.
It was so necessary for Kanye to rent out a stadium so that he could ask Kim to marry him in a normal voice that no one could hear, while everyone watched them from afar. There was literally no need for this to occur in a baseball stadium as opposed to any other place in the world, and the only appropriate word for the dialogue during the actual engagement itself is 'SCRIPTED'. However, Kanye looked genuinely happy, so who am I to criticize. I can only hope I have friends thoughtful enough to play Black Skinhead as the soundtrack to my "I do."
But the part of this ep that really killed me were the family interviews where they were all like, "OMG, I can't believe Kanye rented out a whole stadium JUST for Kim's birthday, there has to be a bigger surprise happening here! Oh there's a ring designer here!? I still can't guess the surprise!"
NO SHIT he was going to propose. Why are you all acting like it wasn't on the production schedule slash what the fuck else would he be doing in such a dramatic fashion for his new baby mama. In what way is this a surprise? You know what would've been a surprise? Bruce Jenner unveiling a new vagina.