Kristen Stewart's Mom Told Everyone She's A Lesbian

By Sabrina the Teenage Betch

In perfect angsty teenager form, Kristen Stewart just got her love life blown up by her mom. Jules Stewart recently confirmed that her daughter is dating personal assistant and friend Alicia Cargile, and gave the couple her blessing saying “people need to be free to love whoever they want.” In other words, she is really not handling this well.

Any good mother would have told her the truth, which is that Cargile looks like she works at a gas station and Robert Pattinson is so much hotter that it’s awkward. Supporting gay relationships is great and all, but her girlfriend is literally a three and that’s just not okay in any context. The downgrade is embarrassing and now Pattinson is engaged so that’s not even an option anymore.

Jules told The Sunday Mirror that Kristen is “happy” with Cargile, clearly a formality considering she’s only smiled about two and a half times in her life. When Kristen finishes puberty she is seriously going to resent her for not intervening during this clear lapse of judgment. 

The only hope came at the end of the interview, when her mom randomly started talking about how Kristen was basically raised by wolves because their family had them as pets. “Kristen loves the wolves,” she said. “She grew up with them, the animals are family to her.”

Basically she did everything except wear a Team Jacob t-shirt and invite Taylor Lautner over to their house for dinner. Hopefully she is scheming to make that happen, otherwise Kristen is going to have a real reason to be permanently scowling.





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