March 6, 2014
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit occupies a special place in every betch’s heart and Tuesday night schedule. We can’t remember that “really important thing” we promised to do today, but you bet your ass we know the opening monologue by heart and can recite it better than the Pledge of Allegiance.
In the criminal justice system, sexually based offenses are considered especially heinous. In New York City, the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Victims Unit. These are their stories. Dun-dun. Or is it dink-dink? Dum-dum? Whatever, moving on.
It’s important to note that not all Law & Orders are created equal. We didn’t fuck with Law & Order: Angry Vincent D’Onofrio or Law & Order: Snoozefest. SVU is special and the only thing we would marathon in which we'd ever partake. Props to Dick Wolf for making a career out of being a SAB: each week he reels us in until we’re hooked, entertains us for a solid hour, and then just when shit’s starting to get good he fades to black with EXECUTIVE PRODUCER DICK WOLF, leaving us wanting more. Oh and then he makes us wait an entire week to get it.
Any pre-law betch will agree, SVU taught us everything we know about the legal system. Like if a cop even tries to ask me what time it is I’m lawyering the fuck up, and no one’s allowed within 10 feet of my car, purse, or apartment without a warrant.
Plus, those “ripped from the headlines” episodes were the only reason we ever tried to keep up with current events. The best part was how they didn’t even try to be discreet or original about it. “College kids getting fucked up off Four Loko? Better have an episode where a college girl gets raped after drinking 5 Krazies.” “A famous Southern TV chef just caused major drama for being a huge racist? Let’s make an ep about a famous Southern TV chef who causes major drama for being a huge racist.” Talk about the writers not doing work; it was essentially just watching the news, with a few chokeholds and cheesy one-liners thrown in to make us obsessed with it.
Also this show taught us a lot of prime vocab words that’s super handy to throw into every day conversation, such as severe vaginal trauma and anal contusions and objection.
Finally, the SVU detectives are like the baggage-ridden, emotionally unstable group of besties we never had—well I mean aside from our actual besties. You don’t need a Buzzfeed quiz to tell you your favorite SVU detective says a lot about you.
Benson: You’re a boss ass betch with great hair and even better bone structure. Obvs the best part of a new season was discovering which trendy haircut Mariska Hartigay would try out. Somehow she managed to rock them all, even the infamous pixie cut of Season 3.
Stabler: You never take no for an answer, even if it puts you and everyone around you in jeopardy of losing your jobs and even your lives. So like, congrats.
Amaro: No one ever takes you seriously and you think it’s because you’re new, but really it’s because you’re too pretty.
Rollins: You’re the Southern betch trying to make it in the big city. Extra points if you have a real gambling addiction.
Munch: You’re the betch who’s so skeptical of technology she doesn’t even have Instagram, and like, what is Vine? You’d be most likely to post a political rant on Facebook, except you’re way skeptical of that, too.
Jeffries: She doesn't even go here! Get with the program.
Ice-T: You’re a bona fide hustler and probably came up from a hard past and did some things you’re not proud of, and we like totally respect that.
So thank you for everything, SVU. Now that you’re in your 14th season, you’ve officially been in a betch’s life way longer than any bro except for maybe our dads.