March 17, 2014
Last night’s Lindsay on OWN delved into one of the hardest issues facing young women today: getting the keys to your 5,000 square foot apartment and finally signing your lease. Seriously, this lease-signing has been presented as the most significant challenge she’s ever faced. Like, who gives a shit about the fact that Dina got arrested for a DUI last night or that Michael has a second and third family, let’s concentrate on Lindsay’s struggle with having to live in a 5 star hotel for over a month.
Lindsay’s mom got a DUI last night yet this episode chooses to focus on the SERIOUS issues at hand. Where’s the lease?! The realtor is stuck in Soho! What will Lindsay wear today!?
“LINDSAY SIGNS THE LEASE OFF CAMERA” #scandalous
Anyway, personal assistant Matt was about to have a meltdown this episode as I see his job consists of excessively texting realtor Cash until he answers, waking Lindsay up and telling her she has to get dressed, and getting into taxis parked behind the SUV so she can unsuccessfully escape the paps.
One interesting thing about this episode is that we find out that part of the deal with Lindsay doing this documentary is Pilgrim Studios has to pay for her apartment. Unsurprisingly, Lindsay doesn’t understand the concept of the whole
exploitation work for pay thing and sees Pilgrim Studio's act of not agreeing to pay for the apartment if she doesn’t show up for filming as ‘bribery’. Those bastards! They want a contract honored in exchange for money!
A third of this episode was Lindsay texting her realtor about if he has the keys or not, another third was fitspiration with life coach AJ, and the final third was Lindsay being pissed off smoking a cigarette.
I can’t believe someone doesn’t trust Lindsay Lohan to show up to filming. Craig Pilgrim gets on the phone to explain his devious withholding of checks and I’m surprised no one in the room said anything to her about the fact that he was speaking to her like she was mentally challenged or couldn’t speak English. “Honey, I took the checks so cash wouldn’t run away from them. To protect you and the studio.”
Michael Lohan then shows up to save the day. We see Lindsay gets her acting skills from Michael who plays the role of ‘concerned and unfairly blamed sympathetic dad’ this episode. I’m sure Michael Lohan’s “two random fucking kids” appreciate being brought into this.
After Lindsay’s lunch with her dad we were left with several questions. Who’s Gavin? Who’s Lindsay’s new boyfriend? Does eating vodka sauce constitute a crime against sobriety or just dieting in general? Michael Lohan obviously wants to be the one to get Lindsay to reveal this guy’s full name so he can get more camera time.
This family obviously places a high bar on pride.
Michael Lohan: I’m so proud of Lindsay for not drinking herself into a stupor after things didn’t go right with getting the keys to the apartment.
Honestly I see how Lindsay got this fucked up after watching like 10 minutes of discussions with Michael Lohan about the family dynamic. Lindsay, much like the Hulk, likes to state when she’s angry. “Now you’re getting me angry. Stop naming names.”
Lindsay: It hurts me to see my little brother need a $48,000 car just like the rest of his friends have and he can’t have it. You’re not going to build your way back into Cody’s life by not buying him a car. #LohanFamilyValues
Linds’ life coach really gets at Lindsay’s deepest struggles like, 'how do you feel about not getting the new apartment keys?' and 'do you prefer top or bottom?'
This fake car chase is such ridiculous drama that I can’t decide if it’s dumber than the apartment key saga.
Can personal assistant Matt get his own spinoff show about the trials of being Lindsay Lohan’s average looking assistant? #MattsWorld.
“Staying sober is like studying for a test, which I never did either.”
The format of this show is basically Lindsay fighting with various people with random breaks for dramatic music and words on the screen that look like this:
“49 days. Still no keys.”
Finally Lindsay moves into this apartment and we can end this fucking plot line. This apartment is actually very nice, I should invest in some Pilgrim Studios stock.