March 24, 2014
Last night’s episode of Lindsay featured pretty much the same shit as last time only now instead of getting the keys to her apartment Lindsay has to deal with showing up to shooting schedules and UN-packing. Like seriously this whole show is Lindsay packing, unpacking, not showing up to shoot the docu-series, or being yelled at for not showing up to shoot the docu-series. This is what we like to call some seriously riveting shit. NOT. Honestly the only thing keeping me watching is the growing latent anger of personal assistant Matt. At this point, he’s literally going to have to stab Lindsay in the vagina to have made this eight-hour documentary worth my time.
Lindsay unpacks and we find out her idea of decorating her apartment is putting a necklace on her fire alarm. Thankfully she has her
dad’s latest mistress new second assistant to help her with the unpacking of ’10 years’ worth of shit. “I needed a girl to put the necklaces in the right places. Only a girl knows that the Vagisil goes in the right night table.” The deeper we get into this documentary the more I’m starting to get the feeling the Lohans are hoarders.
Lindsay is also very deep when it comes to the feng shui of her apartment: “Sometimes I'll move a book somewhere, and that’s just how I am.”
I literally want to yell at my TV screen LINDSAY CAN YOU WEAR A BRA UNDER YOUR TIGHT WHITE SHIRT ON NATIONAL TELEVISION?! Lindsay’s boobs need their own assistant and that assistant is a bra.
What happens in those 5 minutes in the morning and night, Matt? I assume it has something to do you drugging her coffee to make her easier to work with. This episode’s dramatic twist: Will PERSONAL ASSISTANT MATT QUIT?! #IDC
Lindsay’s like my sister in her senior year of high school with this shooting schedule. She’s taking Fridays off.
Lindsay then has lunch with her life coach and expresses her fear of losing her privacy after signing on to do a video reality documentary of her life post sobriety. For some reason Lindsay thinks her sobriety is her business even though she signed a contract agreeing to air her post rehab struggles with all of America. "A guy took a picture of me before I went into a meeting and that made me want to not do the meeting" - most irrational excuse ever.
Silly Lindsay, obviously the only reason anyone wants to watch this documentary where they’re paying for your luxury apartment is so that you do reveal your private parts of your life. You think anyone gives a shit that you like vodka pizza and expensive apartments?
Oprah is then called in to use her master manipulator skills in order to reel Lindsay into showing up for shit. I admire her use of reverse psychology, mixed metaphors, and faux concern in an effort to guilt Lindsay into showing up for shooting.
Oprah to OWN network president: “Maybe there’s not that much going on. Did anyone ever think of that?” - Oprah, most legit thing that’s been said on this documentary.
Oprah then has a sit down with Lindsay where she kindly tells her to cut the shit. She spews out these gems to a zoned out Lindsay who is probably just repeating the words ‘must keep new apartment’ in her head over and over again in an effort to not just bolt out of this sit-down.
“The vultures are ready to pick your bones.” – Oh my God did Oprah just give us a shoutout!?
“I profoundly believe you just don’t have the head intelligence, but you have the heart intelligence.” AKA you're stupid.
Until next time on the saga of Lindsay Lohan’s new apartment…