July 14, 2014
So last week, Lebron James announced that he’s returning to the Cleveland Cavaliers. Why? Who knows. Maybe money, maybe guilt (he abandoned them a few years ago to join the Miami Heat mega-squad). Doesn’t matter. Now, twitter is on fire with people wailing and gnashing their teeth because Miami’s future title hopes are basically null (supporting cast member/possible velociraptor Chris Bosh opted out as well). To those people: Shut the fuck up. I looked, and virtually none of the people crying their eyes out actually live in Miami. Before Lebron got there, the Heat had a hard time filling their stadium, and that’s IN Miami. Don’t tell me there are a ton of displaced Heat fans around the country if the ones in the city itself couldn’t be bothered to show up. No, Lebron is the only reason you went out and bought your stupid Heat jersey and all the other shit. It’s ok to just be a Lebron fan; he’s the best basketball player in the world. Just don’t pretend that he betrayed your imaginary die-hard sense of fandom. Leave that for the Cleveland fans when he inevitably abandons them again.
More sports! In case you weren’t aware, backlash has been brewing over the Washington Redskins’ (tautologically racist) name. I don’t know why it’s specifically the Redskins (just look at the Cleveland Indians’ mascot. Christ.), but it is. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when the US Patent Office ruled that their name was "disparaging to Native Americans” and revoked their trademark rights. Somehow, the issue has turned everyone involved in the debate into fucking morons. On the one hand, you have news publications grabbing at cheap brownie points by refusing to write the name “Redskins,” opting instead for something obnoxious like “the Washington football team.” On the other, you have dipshit redneck ‘Skins fans saying shit like “DURRRR, IT’S HERITAGE NOT HATE HURR DURR.”
Look: White hippies need to put down their pitchforks; this is not some PRESSING SOCIAL INJUSTICE that demands your immediate attention. For supporters of the name, calm the fuck down. The “PC police” (whatever those are) aren’t threatening your “freedom of speech.” All you’re doing by saying shit like that is demonstrating to the world that it makes you uncomfortable when people call you out on your casual racism. There’s no reason that us unaffected white folk can’t have a rational discussion about whether there’s any value in a sports team having a racially-inspired name, especially a hurtful one (there isn’t). Nothing will ever change, though, mostly because a) only the NFL itself can make them do anything, and b) (Redskins owner) Dan Snyder’s boner only throbs harder the more you hate him.
I’m aware, making fun of complicated Starbucks orders has been a tool in the bad comedian’s arsenal since the 90s. While it does annoy me when someone makes a complicated in front of me (my iced coffee takes like 20 seconds GTFO of the way), what bothers me more is the fact that someone had to dream up that ridiculous beverage. Like, how did you even come to learn that you could order a “trienta half-caf with soy milk,” or a “grande iced decalf americano?” What the fuck is a redeye? IT’S NOT EVEN ON THE FUCKING MENU. I find the fact that people must sit around engineering bullshit Starbucks orders deeply disturbing.
Oh, and a special fuck you to the assholes who order a drink and then immediately pour some out into the trashcan at the fixins’ station to make room for all the carcinogenic bullshit you want to mix in it. Need room in your drink? Tell them to leave some when they make it. That, or you could, I dunno, just stop being a baby and choke down a few sips of your (apparently undrinkable) unadorned coffee. Just don’t pour it in the trashcan. Someone has to carry those bags, you know.