June 30, 2014
Welcome once again to Literally the Worst, where I run down all of the terrible shit that needs to stop. Your suggestions for future topics are not welcome.
The reason you didn’t get a Hookup Fookups this week is because I instead spent all day yesterday drinking beer and watching Tiger Woods take a shit all over his own tournament at Congressional. Golf is played outside, and if you want to see it up close you have to be outside as well. My forearms are very sunburnt. It hurts. Did you hear last week that scientists have determined that sunscreen (even the good kind) isn’t enough to prevent skin cancer? Basically, unless you’re Amish and never expose any skin ever, the very thing responsible for life on Earth will also kill us all eventually. Global warming? Ha, we wouldn’t even need an atmosphere if it wasn’t for that shitheaded ball of gas. Fuck the Sun.
I’m writing this from one of these monstrosities. God, fuck these things. Some asshat in the comments is going to be like “ew, wtf Head Pro why are you taking a bus? Are you poor?” No, I’m not fucking poor, but I didn’t get not-poor by chartering a helicopter every time I needed to visit America’s dirtiest city. Because flying between the two cities is more hassle than it’s worth and the train costs approximately $9million, the bus is one of the only viable options. They know this, too, and they’re making them shittier and shittier until they find consumers’ breaking point. The “WiFi” is a fucking joke. The bathroom is already fucked. The seats are closer together than seats on an airplane, and the guy behind me won’t stop being a whiny pussy about me having my seat reclined. All of these companies advertise “rides as low as $1,” but have you ever actually seen a fare that cheap? Haha, of course you haven’t. No one has. I’d have been better off taking a fucking rickshaw.
Across the aisle from me is a normal looking dude, save for his fucking handlebar mustache. Like, he very obviously waxes the ends. I do not understand why someone would grow this or any other mustache. NO ONE looks better with a mustache. No one. Even worse is the way we’ve lumped them in with other spurious symbols of “masculinity,” like big ribeye steaks or burgers the size of a human head. None of that shit makes you manly. You know how you get a mustache? You stop shaving, something that literally no one enjoys doing anyway. Do you want some kudos because you “manned up” and decided to stop doing a universally loathed activity for a week? Fuck you. Did you know that in Australia, mustaches are allegedly referred to as “mo’s?” That’s ridiculous. Fuck Australian mustaches in particular.
You probably haven’t read much soccer journalism lately (a smart move), but soccer writers do this thing where they all try to be more pretentious than each other. The resulting garbage is borderline-unreadable. This year, since the US is doing ok for a change, their go-to tactic is to write long, hand-wringing pieces about how the US “should” have lost to Ghana, was “lucky” to have tied Portugal, etc. Like, come the fuck on. You’re writing to an audience who couldn’t care less about soccer, and your strategy is to shit talk the one reason the average American has to be interested in the game? Fuck off. I don’t give a shit what “should” have happened, I just know that it happened and can pretend to care a little about soccer for another week or whatever. I hate people who get way too excited for the World Cup, but shitting on everyone’s parade doesn’t make you look cool, either.
Get outta my head, lady. Let’s not make it harder than it has to be.