I'm Living In The Same Building As My Ex, Help! Ask A Pro

Head Pro is happy to hook up with you during syllabus week, or really any week because he could have gotten like two more degrees since he's been out of college and, no, YOU'RE making this weird now, ok? Email him at [email protected] and buy our dating advice book.

Dear Head Pro,

My problem is that I’ve moved into the same apartment building as my ex. Now, before you begin thinking I’m some level 10 stalker, I promise I haven’t crossed that line of crazy. He didn’t live here when we broke up almost a year ago, and we haven’t had any contact so I had no idea that he had moved. Although, I will admit that after I saw him walking to the laundry room, I did check the packages in the lobby for like a week until I saw one with his name on one so I knew for sure he lives here and isn’t just visiting. Here’s our story:

We met almost a year ago and went out for a little over a month. We weren’t together long enough for it to get serious, but we always had a great time together. Our last date was great, we slept together for the first time, and at breakfast the next morning he told me how happy he was we met.

Then, he doesn’t text me for like a week, and when I ask him what the deal is, he says that he doesn’t think we should see each other anymore. I was shocked and asked him what I had done wrong (not betchy I know). He responded: “I’m really sorry. My decision had nothing to do with you. You’re great, smart, attractive, and funny. Just give me some time to sort some things out.” He wouldn’t tell me anything more than that. So, after two months of no contact, I texted him asking how he was doing and if he wanted to get a drink. He responded that things would be “awkward” so, no. I felt completely strung along at that point, so I told him it was a dick move to sleep with me then disappear. He says he can’t deal with the “vitriol” (please, it was a one sentence text) but maybe we could get together again “someday”. I gave up, deleted his number, did my best to forget him, and now, fuck me, we're sharing an address.

So, basically, things ended messy and I don’t know what to do/say when I see him. Our building is big, so we could very possibly never run into each other, but I just feel like, with my luck, we will. Should I be friendly? Coolly polite? Act like I don’t recognize him? Burst into tears? Punch him in the face while screaming, “Why couldn’t you just be honest?!” (OK some of those are bad ideas). Like, I’m torn between wanting to tell him how much he hurt me and also wanting him to declare he’s always loved me and beg for my forgiveness (I know, I need to get some dignity and get over him already).

The B(etch) in Apartment 23

Lol, I was reading this thinking "why is she bothering to tell this story?" But I'm glad you did, because it makes it that much better. That is, admittedly, a rare move on his part—a month+ is a long time to go out with someone before sleeping with them and ghosting. That said, saying that you were "strung along" is a little generous. He was pretty clear about wanting to end things, and the two months of no contact seems like a pretty unambiguous hint, if you ask me.

You can be mad all you want (justifiably, even), but he doesn't need to know that. Living in the same building shouldn't really change how you handle an ex (which, again, is stretching it): Be cordial and even pleasant, but don't act as though you care what they've been up to since you last spoke. Things didn't really end all that "messily." You said your piece, he basically said he didn't give a shit, and that was that.

Realistically, the only place you'd see him are common areas like the pool and gym, which, let's be honest: If your building can't bother with a concierge to keep people like you from snooping through packages, it probably doesn't have any of those other amenities, either.


Dear head pro,

So I started talking to a guy who's going to be in my hall next semester and I know I've never met this guy but he seems really nice and attractive, so we made plans to meet up during syllabus week. For a while he messaged me really innocuous things, about pregames and events and people he knows at college.

But last night he brought up sex out of seemingly nowhere and I'm kind of upset because I don't really have casual sex anymore. I did it for three years and it wasn't fulfilling for me. So I'm not saying I already see myself dating this guy or whatever, but I'm also not in a place where I want to be just another hookup. My last hookup ended TERRIBLY because I caught feels and he couldn't care less, so you can understand why I'm a little skeptical that this guy isn't going to just want to use me for sex.

So now I have two choices: I can either be upfront and tell him that I don't do hookups anymore, or I can flirt with him and just not put out until he sort of gets the idea that I want to see him before pregame hour as well.

So is either of these a good option, or is there a better one?

Retired Hoe

The latter is definitely the better option. Doing the whole "WHOA WHOA WHOA BUDDY, I DON'T HAVE CASUAL SEX" thing usually tells a guy one thing: That you've thought about it (even if he brought it up!), which means maybe he has a chance. A guy could write you a sprawling exegesis of Kama Sutra, and you could reply with "that appears to be sex you just described," and he would immediately say "yeah so when do you wanna hookup?" We're transparent in that way, you see.

The thing about casual hookups (when you'd rather they not be) is that, hopefully, these guys aren't turning into ghosts or ectoplasm and slipping under your door at night to fuck you without your knowledge. That is, if you're in a casual hookup relationship with someone, you put yourself there. So if you think you like this guy, but don't want to go down the FWB road, a very wise and innovative way to prevent that would be to NOT have sex with him.

Don't just flirt with him, hang out with him (if he's asking)! Go to pregames with him, and to parties, and maybe even hang out at things that are neither pregames nor parties! What you're describing in a roundabout way is called "dating" such that it may (or may not) lead to a relationship. It may seem like an unheard of practice on a college campus, but I promise you that it happens, like, all the time.

Buy our book. We explain all this shit, in greater detail and on quite rarified off-white paper, no less.

Head Pro is happy to hook up with you during syllabus week, or really any week because he could have gotten like two more degrees since he's been out of college and, no, YOU'RE making this weird now, ok? Email him at [email protected].




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