August 28, 2014
Welcome to Literally the Worst, an occasional column wherein I shit on all the shit that’s shitty. This week: Dogs at bars, bros in long socks and those stupid anti-teen-smoking commercials. Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at [email protected]
Oh man, fuuuuuuuuckkkkk this. This should be outlawed, and in most places, it used to be. I don’t know if this is a big thing in New York or elsewhere, but in DC and its suburbs, it’s a fucking epidemic. If you are a normal, fortunate person who hasn’t had to deal with this and are thinking “What in tarnation, a dog in a bar? Well, I never!”, it’s just what it sounds like: Some fuckhead (or just as likely, a mating pair of fuckheads) shows up to the outdoor portion of a bar or restaurant with their fucking dog. And then they… that’s it. They just sit there, at least until the dog starts barking or trying to run off with the furniture it’s attached to or some shit.
Let’s be real clear: I don’t want your fucking dog near me while I’m drinking and eating. Furthermore, your dog doesn’t want to be there either. Stimulation is important for dogs, but sitting somewhere for happy hour or brunch or whatever for hours on end exposes the dog to countless sights, smells and sounds -- all stressful stimuli from which it cannot escape because its dipshit master tied it to a faux wrought iron fence post. Hell, the owners themselves are happiest when the dog sits quietly, barely making it’s presence known. That’s how fucked up it is to bring a dog to a bar -- the best case scenario is that you forgot you brought it in the first place.
Because bar owners are dependent on the yuppie cuntjigglers who live around me, every day a new place ropes off some of the sidewalk and lays out that same fucking stainless steel dog bowl. This must stop. Taking the dog for a walk, and decide you want to stop in at the local watering hole for a drink? Cool. Actively plan to make your dog a part of your three hour brunch? Fuck you. You’re a shitty dog owner, and your penance should be doing the exact same activities, except with a cat on a leash instead of the dog.
For the most part, I agree wholeheartedly with the girls’ list of shit bros should stop wearing. I will cop to occasionally wearing sneakers with jeans, but it’s times when I’m going to a baseball game or a concert where I’ll be on my feet a long time (plus, I don’t own ugly, busted ass running shoes). One thing they missed though is a recent phenomenon: Bros wearing long socks in the summer.
You know what I’m talking about: A guy will look otherwise normal, sporting the standard croakies/polo/chino shorts combo, only to look down and see that he’s sporting some kind of spurious “casual sneaker” with socks that come up halfway up his calves. Other variations of this look include the guy wearing a tank top, gym shorts, and gym shoes with long socks on the way to his fruity fucking coed kickball game.
Why is this a thing? Is there some kind of athletic or comfort benefit? For my entire life, men have endeavored to show as little sock as possible when wearing shorts. I have even copped to grabbing a pack of womens’ ankle socks because the mens’ ones were too big at the time. Socks are underwear, and at no point is it hip or ironic to intentionally expose your underwear unless you have a record deal. You know who else wears long socks at all times? Old people. Bros, set your ankles free!
That’s a commercial from thetruth.com (an anti-smoking lobby geared towards teens) featuring Rihanna, Lady Gaga, Orlando Bloom and others that aired several time during this week’s Emmys. The message is that whenever paparazzi pics of a celebrity smoking pop up, “big tobacco” gets free advertising, ignoring the fact that saying “big tobacco” is like saying “big running shoe” without naming a specific brand. The idea is that…. I dunno. Kids will get mad at this and chastise their favorite celebs for smoking?
This commercial is so fucking flawed for so many reasons. For one, it assumes that teens have some 1960s anti-establishment attitude against “big tobacco” (as though some kind of local, farm-to-table tobacco would be better). Then, it takes a giant, spectacular leap to assume two things: 1) Teens don't like smoking. This maybe true, something like only 9% of teens smoke now. Another way to read that is that 91% of teens are lame as fuck these days. 2) They’ll also see celebrities smoking and continue to think it’s not cool.
Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think showing an image of Chris Brown with a cig in his mouth is going to make teenagers go “oh, well, that’s the last straw for me?” Christ, Chris Brown beat the ever loving shit out of Rihanna, and people said it was her fault. If you don’t want teens to smoke, you’re right to not want them to see pictures of cool, beautiful celebrities smoking. In that case, you probably shouldn’t… do exactly that in a commercial, and then hope your insufferable fucking smuggery wins them over.
[Lights cigarette] [Looks cool doing so]
Got ideas? Of course you do. Send them to me at [email protected]