Summer's Over, So Fuck It: Cheesy, Buttery, Terrible-For-You Mac N Cheese

By Betchy Crocker

The title says it all: it’s almost time to stop fucking caring. We’ve strived for the perfect bikini bod since fucking February, and now it’s time to fucking relax. Sweater weather is coming. Pumpkin everything is coming. Scarves, and pants, and leggings, and long, shapeless wear is all on the way.

In honor of this wonderful turn of events, we’re giving you a truly decadent, rich, and completely horrible for you recipe: homemade macaroni and cheese. But this isn’t REGULAR fuckin mac n cheese—this is mac n cheese via Martha Stewart—so you know it’s anything but basic.

Indulge, then hate yourself. Then wear a cardigan. We’re shocked Martha would eat something like this, considering she used to be a model. We’ll just assume she eats hers with a side of laxatives.


  • 8 tbsps (1 stick) unsalted butter, plus more for dish—LOL YES ALL THE BUTTER
  • 6 slices good white bread (not fucking Wonder Bread), crusts removed, torn or diced into 1/4- to 1/2-inch pieces
  • 5 ½ cups whole milk
  • ½ cup all-purpose flour
  • 2 tsps salt
  • ¼ tsp nutmeg
  • ¼ tsp freshly ground black pepper
  • ¼ tsp cayenne pepper
  • 4 ½ cups grated sharp white cheddar cheese (that’s liiike 18 ounces)
  • 2 cups grated Gruyère cheese (about 8 ounces)
  • 1 pound elbow macaroni (or other smallish pasta shape)

Preheat the oven to 375 F. Butter a 3-quart casserole dish and set aside. Meanwhile, put the bread in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan over medium heat, melt 2 tbsps of the butter, then pour that melted shit all over the bread and toss. Set aside. Examine your cheese—pull out 1 ½ cups of the grated cheddar and ½ cup of the Gruyère and set aside. You’ll need that shit for later.

Time to cook your paste. You do not want to totally cook through—keep it a bit north of al dente and make sure it still is a bit underdone inside. Once you’ve reached that consistency, transfer the macaroni to a colander, rinse with water, and drain. Set aside.

Time to make sauce, bitch! In a medium saucepan over medium heat, heat the milk. To prevent doing more dishes, grab the pot you just made the pasta in and melt the remaining 6 tbsps of butter. When it bubbles, add the flour. Cook, whisking, for a minute. As you whisk, SLOWLY pour in the hot milk. Continue cooking and whisking until the whole thing bubbles and gets thiiiiiick.

Remove pan from heat and stir in salt, nutmeg, pepper, cayenne, 3 cups cheddar, and 1 ½ cups Gruyère. Stir in the cooked pasta.

Pour that shit into your prepared casserole dish. Sprinkle the reserved cheddar (remember when I told you to pull out 1 ½ cups of cheddar and ½ cup of Gruyère? and breadcrumbs over the top. Bake until browned—which should take like 30 mins. SERVE AND HATE YOURSELF. 

I hate myself




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