February 26, 2015
If you judged a Betch solely on the amount of deliveries she receives in a week, you’d think she was agoraphobic or recent victim of a really unfortunate eyebrow wax. While we hate to ever admit to having a flaw, most of the time Betches are lazier than Melissa Joan Hart’s right eye. The fact that every other day a brand new delivery service or app launches does not at all help our condition.
Between alcohol, weed, groceries, and our 2 am blackout pizzas, technology has eradicated pretty much every reason a Betch would have for leaving the house. On any given day Rob Kardashian is probably walking more than us, all thanks to our relentless use of Grub Hub, Seamless, PostMates, Saucey, and Instacart.
Apparently even delivery services have proved to be much too strenuous, because now there’s a new service on the market called Magic, which claims to deliver anything you fucking want just by texting them. How the service works is they use popular delivery and service apps, but add an additional convenience fee for saving you two minutes of your life. We were pretty shocked when we realized it was some Asian businessman who founded the company and not a hungover 23-year-old Betch.
Magic is like 3 days old and already hundreds of thousands people (i.e. Betches) have sent texts asking to get everything from coconut water to an 8-ball delivered. Unfortunately, as of now the service will only provide shit that’s legal, so you're likely to only receive the $10 Vita Coco.
The company claims they will follow-through on doing pretty much anything short of murdering a prostitute - jury is still out on if they will call our grandparents for us.