Man Stabbed In Theaters While Watching 50 Shades Of Grey

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Proof that you shouldn't mess with middle-aged housewives who haven't orgasmed in 15 years: a man was allegedly stabbed during a showing of 50 Shades of Grey in Glasgow, Scotland, because he dared to tell a group of annoying-ass ladies to pipe down. Stabbed as in with glass, not a penis. No, this is not The Onion, it actually happened. Since you can buy alcohol at this certain movie theater in Scotland (somebody buy a plane ticket), these ladies smashed a wine bottle and then started cutting the guy who tried to shut them up. On the bright side, given that some people are shelling out $12,000 for their own 50 Shades experience, it looks like this guy got a real bargain?

Blood wasn't the only bodily fluid being expelled during this showing, though. Not that, get your mind out of the gutter. Apparently a bunch of ladies (different than the stabby ladies, I think?) pregamed 50 Shades so hard that they were puking in the aisles. Is that how much you have to drink to make Dakota Johnson hot?

Basically everyone got taken away in handcuffs, but probably not in the way they'd envisioned. At least now you have a legitimate reason to make your bf see the movie with you.






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