June 12, 2015
TMZ reports that instead of using Kate Upton's breasts and sad approximation of a British accent to sell their game, the makers behind "Game of War" have elected to use Mariah Carey's breasts and angelic voice to shill for it:
"Sources familiar with the situation tell TMZ ... producers of the mobile game have inked a 7 figure deal with Mariah, who replaces Kate Upton, in which the singer will shoot a 30 second commercial. We're told the shoot will last 2 days and the guy in charge is the director for 'Terminator Genisys.'
Mariah will do several other promotional shoots for the game, but the main thing is the commercial."
I've intimated before that the only way these shitty games could possibly afford the likes of Kate Upton or Mimi is because they must be selling all of your personal for ISIS to use as jihadist propaganda. Boy, was I ever wrong. TMZ also reports that "Game of War" makes one fucking million dollars per day. That's insane, but I believe it. I tried playing "Forge of Empires," a similar game, and lasted all of an hour. You quickly realize that in order to do ANYTHING in the game, you have to either spend a shit ton of money to get more "tokens," or you have to wait, like, eight hours for your shit to refill on its own. Ain't nobody got time for that, apparently, because idiots can't hand over their cash fast enough.
But anyway, replacing Kate Upton with Mariah Carey? HIGHLY SUSPECT. TMZ also said that the ads will feature Carey's music. Because, you know, when I think of a game that simulates Medieval conquest, I definitely think of "Dream Lover." This is clearly a ploy to attract either women or gay men to the game, or both. And it will probably work, because if you're smart enough to figure out how to make one million fucking dollars per day, you could probably do a pretty decent job of running NASA..