January 30, 2014
This week's broast of the week goes to a man who's so insanely arrogant he doesn't even try to be shady about it. You've seen him in everything from Fool's Gold to Dallas Buyers Club, from Dazed and Confused to Failure to Launch. While it's true that he was voted most handsome in his high school yearbook, that had nothing on his 2005 Sexiest Man Alive honor by People Magazine. He is Matthew McConaughey and while I may have no idea how to spell his last name without googling it I did uncover through extensive research that he is the biggest delusional bro in Hollywood.
The first image that comes to mind when we think of Matt will always be that of an over the hill loser who still hangs out with high school students.
Since then a lot has changed. He became THE face of shitty romantic comedies. He kissed JLo in The Wedding Planner, was a dick to Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and was a floser who lived at home opposite SJP. It became clear that a pattern was forming and his role in movies was becoming fairly predictable:
It was at that time that the paparazzi started targeting Matt, wanting to know more about this shitty actor and what made him tick. Here is a series of pictures that they took that uncovered his true personality:
But as much as Matt loved doing yoga on the beach and looking hot on the red carpet, he also had deep wisdom to impart on the world.
It became clear to Hollywood that Matthew was a real life version of Hansel from Zoolander. He even started a foundation called the j.k. livin foundation, which "is dedicated to helping teenage kids lead active lives and make healthy choices to become great men and women'. I mean someone had to compete wtih the Derek Zoolander Center For Kids Who Can't Read Good and Want to Learn How to Do Other Good Stuff Too, right?
But then in 2013 something terrible happened. Someone gave Matt a legit role. Not only was he asked to talk about jerking off and beat his chest with Leonardo Dicaprio but he also got slated to play a cowboy with AIDS who tries to save people in Dallas Buyers Club. So he lost 40 pounds, did an actually good job this one time, and suddenly thought he was a "REAL" actor.
Now we have no issue with the fact that Matty did a dece job in an actually serious movie that wasn't Tropic Thunder or Magic Mike, but the thing about him is that he's still the same shallow super bro. And they say Hollywood changes you! In his Golden Globes he made sure to be humble and thank his wife, even quoting her ‘Go get it McConaughey, go get it, my man, my king'. And when he won the SAG award he talked about Neptune, so we couldn't forget how down to earth he was. All in all, Matt's broast is a long time coming. We'll even leave you with this quote of his which proved that no matter if your career turns from a joke to phase of seriousness, you should never forget your douchey roots. "There's a difference in thinking you are a champion and knowing that you are."
Oh and also, here are some of his most ridic quotes.
"Life is a series of commas, not periods."
"Africa is probably one of the most beautiful places I have ever been."
"There aren't many things that are universally cool, and it's cool not to litter. I'd never do it."
"I have my own vocabulary. I love linguistics. That surprises people."
"If you want your hair to be thicker, cut it when the moon is about to be full - a heavy, full, waxing moon. Do not cut it when the moon's waning."