February 3, 2015
Vanderpump Rules returned to our DVR’s this winter and we could not be happier about it. Up until this season, this show was arguably one of the best reality shows on television. Now whether this is because the storyline, characters, and constant drama are really that riveting or that every season airs during blizzard season/every other show’s hiatus is neither here nor there. Whatever the reason, the Sur staff continues to hold our attention and brighten our winter weeknights every year.
That being said, this season had a rough start. The show lost its momentum by losing its central character, Stassi. Yeah, she’s still around, but this whole albino-mom thing she’s trying to pull off is miles away from the Stassi we grew to love-hate. Apparently these days the only color she can tolerate is periwinkle blue and she won’t leave the house without wearing a blazer. She seems to think that because she has a new MAN boyfriend (we get it, Stassi) that she is older and wiser than everyone else and she is definitely looking the part. We want to see the old Stassi: drinking wine in a bikini, talking shit, yelling at Jax, and smoking cigarettes all while describing how she is going to physically assault the people she hates. Her minimal role on the show is giving us the opportunity to get to know other characters we don’t care about…basically all the brunettes.
Katie and her way-too-attractive idiot boyfriend have some ups and downs, but no one really cares. Kristen on the other hand does not disappoint this season. As if she wasn’t weird enough before, now she’s gone fucking insane. She’s dating James who is like 12 years old but she is still apparently stalker-level obsessed with Tom. Despite her eternal love, still tries to sabotage him by inviting some weird ass ginger porn star to confront him at Sur. Supposedly Tom hooked up with her in Miami…? As everyone on the show constantly reminds us, “the truth will come out eventually.”
Tom and Ariana are apparently so in love (despite cheating rumors) which is fucking weird because Tom still shaves his forehead and looks like a Ukrainian boy band member. Ariana seems pretty cool other than the fact that she’s dating him and is best friends with Scheana. Scheana is like some weird cartoon/hooker hybrid who is counting on her eyelashes, wedding, and auto tune tracks to distract from the fact that she looks like a misshapen midget clown. The only thing that girl has got going for her is being eskimo sisters with Leanne Rimes and Brandi Glanville...which is actually a lot more than any of us. Get it, girl.
There’s some new granola girl named Vail who used to, like, do cocaine or something. Peter is still there, and all he does is act like he’s in charge and look like the Spanish guy from the Princess Bride. Jax is hooking up with every girl in sight, and in Miami we find out he may or may not have had a relationship with an older gay man…? Not shocking.
There aren’t too many episodes left and it seems like it’s all building up to Scheana’s wedding, which is pretty sad. No one really cares about the Stassi/Katie fight (we already know Stassi isn’t returning for Season 4) and Kristen has always been bat shit, so whatever she decides to do the rest of the season will literally surprise no one. We’re not complaining though. We are more than content watching Lisa Vanderpump threaten to fire employees and laughing at Scheana’s turban. Anyway, the best part of any Bravo show is the reunion where Andy Cohen makes passive-aggressive remarks and forces everyone into awkward silence. So until then, sit back and enjoy Stassi’s DIY projects, Jax’s new nose, Peter’s ponytail and Scheana’s new single.