April 22, 2015
In today's installment of "WTF News", Mila Kunis is allegedly getting sued for stealing a childhood friend's chicken. At first when I read that I was like, "Okay, fried chicken is great and all but not exactly lawsuit-worthy (except for maybe Harold's), what the actual fuck??". After some further investigation, I am dismayed to report that the suit is not about fried chicken, but is actually even more absurd--you didn't think that was possible, but somehow it is.
Plaintiff Kristina Karo claims to be Mila's best friend from childhood from back in Ukraine, and according to TMZ she is alleging that Mila stole her pet chicken. Her pet chicken. Welp, I can officially knock Ukraine off of my "places to travel" bucket list forever.
Okay, but the value of a chicken is like, what, a couple dollars? Where does the lawsuit come in? Glad you asked: Karo is claiming that the loss of her beloved chicken, Doggie--yep, she named her pet chicken Doggie, fucking kill me now--caused her so much emotional distress that she had to go to therapy, and she wants Mila to pay for emotional damages. K. Let's just pretend we live in a world where there is a lawyer crazy enough to take this case (and where any of this even came close to happening)--how would you even prove Mila stole the chicken, and didn't, say, go out and buy a similar-looking chicken because it's a fucking chicken and they all look the same? Don't believe me? Do a Google image search for "chicken" and try telling any of them apart by a characteristic other than color. You can't.
It's pretty obvious that this is a fucking bizarre grab for 15 minutes of fame, and I like sort of feel bad for falling right into it but at the same time this is so entertaining I couldn't pass it up.
Special bonus, Kristina Karo has a music video called "Give Me Green Card", and if I were in charge of immigration I would deny her based on her horrendous lip liner alone. They really should put me in charge. The song is also available on iTunes because...I don't fucking know. This all is enough to make me want to go live among the wolves (or the chickens), because I fucking hate people right now.