Skim Milk Now Equals Cancer, Apparently

By Betchy Crocker

As most betches know, diet anything is what we usually aim for. However, it’s no secret that there’s been a hardcore backlash against anything unnatural in our food. I mean, we get it, but do you have to ruin our little pleasures (like Diet Coke) so completely?! The newest don’t added to this list – skim milk. Some fancy scientists decided to add the low fat essentially water-milk to the ever growing list of things that could potentially cause cancer – mostly in dudes – but why risk it.

Okay, honestly: what DOESN’T cause cancer at this point? Everything from weird cereal to pollution to cigarettes to bacon to coffee to, now, skim milk, is apparently causing cancer in someone at some point. How do we know that all people aren’t just like, predisposed to having cancer?!? I mean yah, we get that not everyone gets cancer, but it seems to be kind of really fucking common. Just saying, science.

So, what shall we drink instead of skim milk? Don’t opt for that soy or almond shit, because there’s fake sugar in that, and sugar = cancer also. Best to just go the au natural route and grab a nice fattening bottle of whole milk. We’ll admit that yes, it does totally taste better, but at what cost?! My bikini body?? Well, if we’re going to drink whole milk, we may as well find a way to combine it with chocolate; thanks, epicurious:

Hardcore Milk Chocolate Pudding:

  • 2 tablespoons sugar
  • 2 tablespoons cornstarch
  • 2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa powder
  • 1 1/2 cups whole milk
  • 1/2 cup heavy cream
  • 4 ounces fine-quality milk chocolate, chopped
  • 1 teaspoon pure vanilla extract

Whisk together the sugar, cornstarch, cocoa powder, and a piiiiinch of salt in a heavy saucepan then graddddually whisk in the milk and cream.

Bring to a boil over kinda high but kinda not heat, whisking constantly, then boil, STILL FUCKING WHISKING for like 2 minutes.

This shit will be thiiiiick at this point. Take it off the heat and whisk in the chocolate and vanilla. Make it smoooooth. Transfer the mixture to a bowl and chill. As a note grab some waxed paper and cover the surface to prevent a super gross skin from forming. Serve when it’s cold after liiiiiike 2 hrs. HOORAY WHOLE MILK.




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