January 13, 2015
Do you find yourself searching for a workout that proclaims to the world “I am (probably) not a quadriplegic?” If so, then boy do I ever have the workout for you: ModelFit, the fitness regimen designed for lazy people and the elderly. In order for a workout to be effective (that is, to nudge in the direction of greater fitness), it has to be either really intense, or really long. ModelFit is neither, because ModelFit is bullshit:
Look at that. 2 lb dumbbells. 3 lb ankle weights. ANKLE WEIGHTS. ModelFit seems perfect for people undergoing physical therapy, coming out of a coma, or astronauts returning from the International Space Station. Anyone else who actually wants to exercise should not do ModelFit.
Easy, bullshit workouts like this are nothing new - who hasn’t stumbled upon a late night infomercial promising to help you shed pounds “in just minutes a day!” What makes ModelFit especially insidious, though, is the name: “Model” and “Fit,” as in, “This workout will get you as fit as your favorite Victoria’s Secret models.” What’s worse, Taylor Swift’s platonic lesbian girlfriend Karlie Kloss reportedly practices ModelFit, leading countless women to believe that if they do what Karlie does, they’ll look more like Karlie! They will not. By the looks of things, ModelFit actually causes your muscles to atrophy.
The only way to look like Karlie Kloss is to be Karlie Kloss, with her exceptional genes and effectively limitless resources. Short of that, the only way to make yourself look vaguely more like Karlie Kloss is to eat a strict, nutritionally-dense, low-calorie diet and do enough real, by-God exercise to improve muscle tone. Which, again, ModelFit will not do. At all. You could burn more calories and work more muscles by doing laundry, taking down your Christmas decorations (people are starting to notice, btw) or licking postage stamps.
Now, people will throw up their (wimpy) arms and exclaim “don’t be so mean, some people are intimidated by the gym and this is better than nothing!” That is true, technically, the same way eating 49 potato chips is technically better than eating 50. What would be even better than that would be eating, like, a handful of potato chips and then putting on some tunes and dancing aggressively around your apartment for 20 minutes.
Still scared of the gym and want an in-home workout? No problem. Right now, do burpees as fast as you can for either 20 minutes or until you puke, whichever comes first. There. That’s an in-home workout that’s both effective and free, unlike ModelFit, which is ineffective and costs about $40 per class.
As if you needed more reasons to avoid ModelFit, the classes are taught in Terry Richardson’s former photo studio. That place is probably lousy with hidden cameras. You don’t want to become fap fodder for creepy Uncle Terry, do you? I thought not.