January 5, 2015
It was a somber day for Bravo fans around the country today. New Jersey “Real Housewife” Teresa Giudice is officially behind bars, although maybe not literally. At 3 am this morning, Tre checked herself in to the Danbury Federal Correction Institution in Connecticut, a minimum security prison which has cubicles, not jail cells. Oh, and get this: Danbury is the prison that inspired Orange is the New Black. No fucking way. It’s like all our TV fantasies are coming true
There are tons of questions we might ask as Teresa begins her 15-month sentence. For example: Will they make her strip down naked? Yes. Will she have to wear elastic band pants? Yes. Will she start wearing ghetto eyeliner and join a race-based clique? Probs. Who will be her prison wife? Only time will tell.
Teresa leaves behind her illiterate husband Joe (his 41-month sentence starts once she is released), 13-year old Gia, who is well on her way to becoming a clown hooker, 8-year old Milania, who is most likely the spawn of Satan, and two other daughters that no one cares about.
It may be hard for us to believe she is in jail (her cousin Rosie always seemed a little more likely to do hard time), but no one is in more denial than Teresa herself. Just a few days ago, Teresa told BFF Dina Manzo that her new year’s resolution is to “stop eating bad carbs.” What about “not committing fraud” or “making new prison friends?” Nope, just “stop eating bad carbs.” Pretty sure that resolution is going to be tough to keep, Tre. Besides, you’re going to need those carbs with all the manual labor coming your way.