From Bella Baxter’s “furious jumping” in Poor Things to Barry Keoghan fucking a grave in Salt Burn, sex scenes in movies are back, baby!
As a sex writer, I was becoming increasingly concerned about the many think pieces on how unnecessary sex scenes are for the plot. (Yeah, because we watch sex scenes for the plot! * rolls eyes to the back of my skull *) Gen Z’s disdain for sex scenes in movies aside, I can understand the frustration when it’s just two awkward actors post-coital under the covers (get out of here with this PG-13 bullshit!). But that’s why the past year of movies has been so exciting. The sex scenes are niche and freaky and weird, and I’m so here for it.
And I’m not the only one who feels this way. Kristen Stewart is totally over “the run-of-the-mill, just-go-for-it simulated sex thing” in movies, according to Variety. “Actors do have this default thing where ‘We’re supposed to make out and have sex now.’ That’s just not how people have sex, and I’m so sick of seeing it.” I couldn’t say it better myself, Kristen. However, I may be biased because she is my phone’s screensaver.
That said, there can only be one winner (according to the Academy Awards, at least), so with the Oscars coming up, I’ve decided to use my slutty skills for good and rank sex scenes of the past year by hotness.
13.) Napoleon: Pig Under The Table Sex Scene
The scene where Napoleon crawls under the breakfast table and “grunts like a little pig” (Ridley Scott’s description, not mine!) probably worked on somebody, but not me. Last place, shorty!
12.) May December: In-Character Sex Scene
“This is just what grown-ups do” is a line that will always haunt me. Elizabeth simply wasn’t willing to coddle a grown man (even if he was played by Charles Melton). Too bad he wasn’t into role play and/or her method acting.
11.) Oppenheimer: Mid-Investigation Chair Sex Scene
Jean Tatlock making eye contact with Kitty Openheimer as she fucks her husband in the middle of a government investigation is wild (even if it was only a hallucination). But that doesn’t take away how kinky it is!!! What’s the opposite of voyeurism? Because no one was enjoying themselves here. Well, except for ol’ Oppy.
10.) No Hard Feelings: Strip Tease Scene
Okay, okay the true sex scene doesn’t come (no pun intended) until the end of the movie, but it’s nowhere near as good as Jennifer Lawrence dancing around in tiny shorts. Too bad her date looks like she picked him up outside of a high school — oops, I guess she kinda did? 10th place.
9.) Salt Burn: Grave Fucker Scene
While all of you bitches were focused on that bath tub scene, you were missing out on the true filthy sex act that took place in Salt Burn: Barry Keoghan fucking a grave. And, yes, the grave-fucking-scene is ranked higher than No Hard Feelings because you cannot argue with me that there was far more passion in that cemetery.
8.) All Of Us Strangers: Neighbor Sex Scene
Paul Mescal and Andrew Scott are competing as the hottest Irishmen on TV right now, so thank god they were put in a romance together. Unfortunately (spoiler!), one of them is a ghost. Eight place for necrophilia.
7.) Anyone But You: Shower Sex Scene
Anyone But You is a rom com that did not fuck around when it came to hot shower sex. Still, two conventionally attractive blondes can only be so entertaining. Seventh place.
6.) Red, White & Royal Blue:
First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz and His Royal Highness Prince Henry have the perfect “I hate you so much, let’s fuck” energy that Anyone But You wanted to be so badly. When the two have penetrative sex for the first time it’s the perfect amount of awkward to be believable. And the communication? Hot enough for sixth place.
5.) Passages: Breakup Sex Scene
A horny bisexual on a rampage to ruin his life? Relatable AF. After Tomas cheats on his partner Martin, they have heated breakup sex one last time while his new partner listens next door while PREGNANT with his child. But between the loud moans and asshole play, she’s quickly forgotten in the background. Sorry, babe! Straight girls just aren’t that interesting — even when they’re French.
4.) Salt Burn: Period Sex Scene
This vampire scene (hehe) deserves a separate ranking from the grave-fucking scene. We love a man who is enthusiastic about period cunnilingus. Eat the rich! (See what I did there?)
3.) Joyride: Threesome Sex Scene
Ashley Park was making threesomes look cool before Zendaya (this is a reference to Challengers and not my secret fantasy about Tom Holland and Timothée Chalamet). Ashley rails two dudes then knocks their heads together when they go down on her. Now, that’s a power move.
2.) Drive-Away Dolls: Opening Sex Scene
In case you couldn’t tell, this list is filled with queer sex. And while there wasn’t a ton of women-loving-women sex scenes in 2023, it looks like we’re making up for it in 2024. The opening scene in Drive-Away Dolls focuses on Jamie (played by Margaret Qualley) furiously going to town on her latest sexual conquest as a voicemail from her annoying GF grates on you in the background. The GF is annoying so it’s fine that Jamie cheats on her. (Kidding! Kinda.)
1.) Poor Things: Bella Baxter’s Furious Jumping
Bella Baxter was having the time of her goddamn life. I cannot explain to you how satisfying it was to watch a woman enjoy sex without a subplot of “overcoming internalized shame” playing a sad violin in the background. Anyone who refers to sex on top as “furious jumping” is a winner in my book. Congrats on first place.
Special Mention: Love Lies Bleeding
Okay, Love Lies Bleeding is brand new (like, it literally premieres in theater on March 8), so it def won’t be included in this year’s award season. But I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t include the hottest lesbian sex scenes I’ve seen since Blue Is The Warmest Color. What makes this sex montage even better is that it was directed by a queer woman, not a creepy straight guy, so it was way more realistic and therefore erotic af. Kristen Stewart, call me!!!
