Betches Love This Movie: Bachelorette

By The Betches

A female comedy about a slutty bridal party? Kirsten Dunst playing a mean girl, Janice Ian as an hot angry pothead, Isla Fisher, a promiscuous moron, and something called the Bachelorette? Haven't all these things already happened? The answer is yes, but when put together these factors not only made for a fucking amazing movie, but also just like great jokes about cocaine.

Apparently the producers/whoever chooses to put the movie on demand before its theater release decided to put it on demand before its theater release and charged us like, eleven dollars for it. This was actually quite thoughtful of those producers because we were able to watch and blaze in the comfort of our own apartment. And hey, this review may be attributed to that superior level of high, but who can really tell, we barely remember watching it.

Shit we loved:

The non-corny jokes. During the rehearsal dinner speeches, Janice and Isla were both drunk, stood up and said retarded shit like announcing they lost their phones. Instead of some romantic-comedy-esque quip, things got awkward and kind of sad. We were into this because that WOULD happen and if we were wasted we WOULD do that. Also, trying to fit two people into your fat friend's wedding dress and planning to tag her on facebook is cruel and fucking phenomenal.

The cast, well, most of the cast. Isla Fisher was epic. Welcome to Club MonAHco. She's a fashionista pot/cokehead who hooks up with the-niceguy-who-has-pot but forgets his name, and despite her little overdose stint, she makes us all want to be gingers, but only for a second.

James Marsden and Adam Scott. Hot assholes who are into mean betches.

Janice Ian. Don't know her real name, don't remember her character's name, don't care. Looks at her shirt after waking up with a guy. Realizes it is a Jack Johnson concert tee. Says, "I just realized the guy I hooked up with last night is really fucking lame." Then there's the blow job speech.

The bulimic saves the day! The bulimia subplot was shady but we kind of loved it. We don't want to give anything away but if it weren't for a certain someone's bulimia a certain someone else would be dead. You connect the dots, we're too high to play metaphorical connect four for you.

Things that bothered us:

The B-Faces. Kirsten, Isla, Janice, and the blonde British roommate from Bridesmaids were besties in high school and called themselves the B-Faces. This was annoying and we didn't fucking get it. Like they kept referring to each other as B Faces while doing lines but didn't give us any background. Did the B stand for bulimics, bitches, blow? Give us some fucking context KIRSTEN.

The blonde British roommate from Bridesmaids. She was the friend getting married. She wasn't the least bit funny. Her fiancée was more attractive than Maya Rudolf's husband in Bridesmaids. None of this shit added up and it irked us. Then there was scene when she got mad because the gay guy from Girls aka the 'freelance stripper' called her "pig face." This riff also made little to no sense and there's nothing we hate more than non-funny scenes that add nothing to a plot. If you're not sure what we're referring to, see any movie starring Kristen Stewart.

The bathroom stripper wiped her vagina with the wedding dress. I vomited THC.

So betches, this movie is coming out on Friday and we're only half sorry for giving away too much. Despite all the shit that bothered us we really suggest you go see it. Long story short, there's a lot of coke and fat jokes, enjoy.




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