March 25, 2012
So this weekend we were the only people in the world who saw The Hunger Games.
While a true betch doesn't need to read the books because we compete in the hunger games against ourselves every day, the drawback is the extreme confusion you experience upon first hearing the hunter betch's name. Waitttt, why the fuck do they keep calling her Catnip? [Cue nerdy fans in the theater whipping their heads around like it's a regular Sunday exorcism. HOW COULD YOU NOT KNOW.]
There's no denying that Katniss is a total betch despite being poor and named after kitten weed. However we have no doubt some preggers celebs will start popping out little baby Katnii soon enough. Personally we hope J-Simp takes the bait. I should totes name my daughter after that famous hungry girl!
Really though, besides being able to go days without eating, Katniss was able to use her #89 back burner bro Peeta to make everyone like her, so the rich pros from District 1 would send her presents to help her #32 win. She's clearly not into Peeta because she's into the much hotter Gale (a name we were under the impression was reserved for Jewish mothers). The look on her face when she had to kiss him is what we imagine we would look like accepting a proposal from our last resort bro at age 35. Peeta is wayyy too much of a #33 nice guy and doomed himself the minute he gave her that soggy bread loaf.
Anyway, here are just a few of our random observations:
What the fuck were all the rich people wearing and why did the capitol look like an oompa loompa convention was being held in Wonderland?
Despite our promotion of being excessively skinny, that Katniss bitch looked like she had like, a healthy body weight. It's weird how the one movie where a pretty girl plays a starving coal miner's daughter is the same that casts someone who looks like they've actually eaten in the past 3 months.
Is there a reason everyone thinks it's such a big deal the way Elizabeth Banks says Primroooose Evahdeeeen. There was an audible gasp in the theater when she said it, like what, have you been waiting with baited breath since the previews started? Probably yes since half the theater was filled with freaks dressed in costume. Like really, you're going to sit for 2 hours in the dark wearing a tutu?
All we have to say about Woody Harrelson is like, sup with that wig?
We loved Stanley Tucci and his blue hair and the fact that he played the Ryan Seacrest of the future. That was until he morphed into Chris Harrison on After the
Final Rose Tribute Slaughter. First he was all like "Peeta, what did you learn on this journey? Are you ready to find love?" and Peeta was all like, "of course Chris, if Katniss and I can defeat a hive of trackerjackers amidst a ruthless case of gangrene, we can conquer anything" and then Katniss was all like, "WINNING! KILL SHOT!"
I thought Lenny Kravitz was going to make out with Katniss right before the game. I'm not allowed to bet, but if I was, I'd bet on you..and I'm not allowed to rape the contestants either but if I was, I'd be on top of you.
Don't think we didn't notice the orphan from Orphan playing the creepy knife thrower bitch. Once a killer always a killer.
Finally, why was everyone constantly wishing everyone else a 'Happy Hunger Games'? Does Hallmark sell cards for the occasion? No one ever says 'Happy Olympics' or 'Happy Skating With The Stars Premiere.' Happy Hunger Games is on par with Happy Vietnam War Draft or Happy First Day of the Holocaust. And may the odds be never in your favor, betch.