June 5, 2012
Another day, another Disney movie that will be remade 5000 times before we're 30. This movie actually had potential to be super betchy but instead it was just the definition of whatever. This shit did nothing for my life.
Which brings us to the reason why: KStew. How does she keep scoring roles in movies? Sure she was born with the required bags under her eyes to play the token prisoner princess but I mean....I feel like her acting teacher was all like, okay Kristen so just occasionally furrow your brow and breathe like you're on a respirator and voila, actress!
And why hasn't she gotten veneers yet? Why do they always put her among two hot guys from which she has to choose? How does she frequently tame mythical creatures with only her eyes and quivering lip? So many questions, so little fucks to give. The irony of the least lively actress in Hollywood playing the embodiment of life was almost too much for our stoned minds to handle.
We're fairly confident that every scene in this movie was exactly the same or else stolen from either the Hunger Games, Harry Potter and/or Avatar. Like yea we get it. Snow white is pretty and young. The queen/the Capitol/Voldemort made everyone poor but times used to be better. The queen/the Capitol/Voldemort/James Cameron is evil and wants her heart. Despite of all this, Hemsworth still looks hot even though his most recent bath was in '09. Speaking of the second hottest brother, Hemsicle proves how awesome he is at sporadically throwing axes and screaming TROLL in his awesome Austranglish accent. Honestly, he probably didn't even show up on set for more than .5 seconds. All the directors had to do was steal scenes from Thor. And now onto Charlize, let's call her crazy cakes, who spent the movie channeling her inner Ja'mie King while bathing in semen....But only when she wasn't busy having late night pillow talk about how hot and skinny she is with a gilded Alex Mack. The mirror's role was definitely marginalized, looking like it either belonged to a drum set or a collection of large platter for crudit. Mirror mirror on the wall, I'm so boreddddd play me back in Draw Something!
Seriously though Char, you're like an Academy Award winning actress, why are you making out with K Stew and galavanting around inhaling nice girls' breath. Can only imagine how many packs of orbit you'll need to clean that dirty mouth. Some of our weed-induced observations:
Must they continuously call her Snow Hwhite.... would you a side of Hwheat thins with that apple?
THIS IS THE EXACT PLOT OF REVENGE. Rando homewrecker fucks/kills dad, takes over and tries to ruin daughter's life, daughter comes back to fight along side lover from childhood who is still unrealistically obsessed with her after 18 years of celibacy, daughter eventually kills rando homewrecker and rules the world odd sayings no one's ever heard of creepy white-haired men...
Did you ever notice in movies when someone dramatically proclaims, "IT'S HIM!" And you're just like...who?
Personally, I think the Queen did Greta a favor, making her look name-age appropriate.
Charlize and her albino brother are about one mushroom cut away from fucking each other.Charlize: Tell me my hair looks sexy pushed back. Brother: I can't, you're choking me.
Let's hire the drunkest man in town to do the most important task of our lives, sound good?
Kristen Stewart, The Troll Whisperer.
What's with evil queens loving shitty weather? Don't evil people look better tan too?
Wait, who is this love story between? Charlize and K Stew? K Stew and Thor? Thor and William? Charlize and her brother? Kristen and that fugly dwarf? Did I really finish all my Diet Coke?
These people need a shower.
Logically, it makes zero sense that Char's bro's death would have any affect on her whatsoever, yet when Thor kills him, she's shown uncontrollably gyrating on the floor/morphing into Benjamin Button.
Also logically, there's no way those scarred village biddies recognized K Stew. None of the towns people had seen her since she was 5 and was like actually pretty. However, in the village biddies' defense, she was wearing the same outfit for her entire adolescence so it's whatevs. Is that what you call prison-casual?
K Stews crying over that dwarf dying like, you've known him for MAYBE ten minutes. Haven't you ever been to a music festival? Shit happens. She should've just gotten her backburner dwarf to play her the world's smallest violin again.
Last fight scene, K Stew sports a complex head of braids which makes us wonder, when did she manage to find such a crafty Jamaican in so little time?
Chris's speech to KS's dead/not-dead body ugh, just fuck her corpse already.
You are your father's daughter. ....wait, let me double check that science...okay yeah, that's right.
One thing's for sure, this movie would be vastly different if the Queen was played by Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
All in all, not worth your joints. By the third or fourth scene everyone in the theater was texting, chatting, laughing, jerking off If you don't want to waste your time/money/dutch I'd suggest a soft-core porn with primo breathing & lip quivering scenes, or just watch the real fucking Snow White.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing