March 27, 2013
So about Spring Breakers. Was this actually a movie about #26 spring break or a couple of trashy girls murdering people for no reason? Still deciding. But actually, what WAS this movie? Like the beginning started off okay, lots of people drinking, an inordinate amount of bouncing boobs, and a lot of crotch shots. But once we were introduced to the characters, the movie turned into a completely unrelatable depiction of a spring break trip. However, if you could relate to this you should probs go seek some help, or an attorney.
I didn't mind it. It was ridiculous, in a this-makes-no-fucking-sense-not-as-bad-as-New-Years-Eve kind of way. There were definitely moments when I laughed out loud, such as when James Franco was cataloging all of the shit he had. "Look at all mah shit. I got shorts. I got Calvin Klein Escape." And then later when Dirty Hudge and Hefty Hanna robbed and shot people wearing matching DTF pants while Franco, sorry "Alien", sang Everytime by Britney Spears. I think that last sentence speaks for itself.
Selena Gomez: Lame as fuck. We have to redact her title of betch of the week because even in a movie where she is supposed to break out of her Disney character she managed to score the role as the loser bible freak who goes on a crazy spring break only to cry about it and leave. Even the parts where she was loving the trip she was so lame: "I feel like I can be who I'm supposed to be here." It's fucking Florida, relax.
Hefty and Hudge: Ashley Benson and Vanessa Hudgens. I definitely liked Ashley the most but I couldn't help but think that this movie was just another weekend for Vanessa. Like if you thought she was a dirty slut before this movie, you'd think she were an even filthier whore after it. Hudge trying to be sexy was as cringe-y as watching a meth head do a strip tease: You're willing to look away but can't help asking when their last shower was.
Rando slut: I guess they needed someone to get shot? She was also casually the directors wife or ex-wife or who gives a fuck, she didn't speak.
James Franco: So about that scene when you gave the gun a blow job... You've def sucked a dick before. There's nothing wrong with that, we're just saying there's no way you haven't. Such skill, such precision.
Was it me or was there actually no dialogue in this movie? The entire film was a series of voice overs of the same fucking thing repeated. "Springgg breakkk…spring breakkk…forever" And then when they did speak it was either James Franco making up rhymes like he was ghetto Mother Goose or James Franco saying things like, "why you actin 'spicious?" And not that it mattered but I couldn't understand a thing that came out of Gucci Mane's mouth.
They robbed a diner to go on spring break. Who does that? Like, steal your grandmas ATM card.
Selena kept saying she wanted to go home but like, why couldn't you just go back to your hotel?
Where the fuck did you get those multi-colored mopeds?
So one guy barely shoots your friend's arm and you find it completely necessary to go after an entire mafia of big black men. Why again?
Oh no Alien's dead! And no one gives a shit!
The threesome in the pool. To be honest, there's nothing I've wanted to see more than a quick shot of Hudge's sideboob.
I would have so much rather seen the entire group of four Pretty Little Liars on this spring break than these other three. Hanna and Aria would be getting wasted in some corner, Emily would be smoking with some lesbian while making her paranoid face, and Spencer would be doing lines while explaining calculus to someone who was passed out.
"It's like paradise here in this motel."
"You just made bail…it was A."
"We're never going to forget this trip." Yeah maybe because you murdered like 45 people.