81. The Movies

By The Betches

August 9, 2011

As it’s become pretty obvious from the fact that we’ve devoted an entire section to reviewing movies, betches fucking love going to the movies. Movies are great for those days when you're insanely hungover or when there’s nowhere to go out because you’re not in school, or like Mondays. Movie-going is as cultured as a betch can get, and since this is major art form involves both celebrities and an opportunity for us to sound pseudo-intellectual, we take it very seriously.

Next to reading this website, movie-going is the ultimate cure for boredom. It kills several hours at a time and is the only acceptable reason not to drink at night. Also, movies provide the perfect destination for a date with a guy you're not that into. You don't have to speak and if he tries to touch you, you swat his hand away and tell him you're trying to concentrate.


titanic 2Can somebody say...Oscar?


When betches decide that the night is a “movie night,” the preparation is most essential. Whether you live in a city or a suburb, after figuring out which film you'll see, the questions that come sequentially, and naturally, are, “Do we have any weed? Are we smoking before or on the way?” This is followed by some texts to harassing your dealer and a discussion of whether there's enough time for a blunt.

After overcoming several inevitable obstacles, like arriving at the wrong theater or forgetting which movie you're seeing, you finally sit down in your seat, Diet Coke in hand. Remember, movies are never an excuse to eat. Next comes our favorite part, the previews.

Betches love the previews. We love to hear ourselves speak, so it's crucial to make it in time for the previews because they give you and your besties a platform for high ingenious witty commentary. Frankly, our opinions are way more interesting than the preview itself so fuck the people sitting in front of you who move their seats as far away as possible. Great, now we get to put our feet up.

Like, why the fuck is everything in 3D. No one wants to wear fucking glasses in a movie theater. Even if they were the least bit fashionable, we’re never going to be into it. Oh and what’s with those movies like "Shark Night?" A few college kids go to a lake for the weekend and sharks keep attacking them. Why can’t they just like, get out of the water? Crisis averted.

The discussion of the previews not only provides you and your besties with entertainment, but also lets the other movie-goers know that you are funny.

Not only do betches love talking through the previews (and the movie), we love the post-film assessments. Betches will analyze a movie down to its core because we weren’t allowed to fully state our opinions during the movie. It’s like being restrained from live tweeting through HBO Sunday, a hard feat to conquer.

Going to the movies for betches is like going to the Opera for boring adult virgins. We love to discuss what worked, and what didn’t. Was the movie overly stylized Oscar bait, or was it a genuine piece of art? A true betch considers herself a movie maven. The Oscars are basically like that solar eclipse that comes around every 137 years except much better and every year. A betch will see as many Oscar movies as possible to educate herself for when it comes time for the announcement of the winners. The more winners movie stars who are wearing ridiculous outfits that you predict, the more street cred you have.


And being the experts that we are, we only take advice from truly knowledgeable movie-goers. Again, second to the Betches Love This Movie, Rotten Tomatoes is a betch’s go-to for movie reviews. However we must say that RT is a double-edged sword because the last thing a betch wants to hear is that a movie she really wanted to see received a low score. Such as Friends with Benefits, but we won’t name any names. In the end, you'll end up taking advice from a friend who already saw it as long as she isn't a complete fucking idiot.

Another huge thing for betches is that a person’s favorite movie is a credible way for us to judge him or her. Like if someone mentions that they just looooveeed Couple’s Retreat, they might as well stamp NICE GIRL across their forehead. We're sure if Obama’s favorite movie were Monster In Law, he would never have been elected for President. He would have at most been in the House or something.

So remember, you’re a betch, you are an intelligent classy tasteful person who knows that talking shit isn’t only for people, but for movies too. Oh, and if you claim that Mean Girls was just okay and not in your top five, we strongly suggest you stop referring to yourself a betch and start ordering yourself regular cokes.



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