March 13, 2015
Unless you've been living under a rock or chilling at a d-a-i-y-e spa for the past week, you know that Zoolander 2 is officially happening. In one of the best PR stunts to ever happen, Ben Stiller and Owen Wilson walked in the Valentino show to promote the upcoming film, and it’s all anyone has been talking about since. While this is all fine and good, Derek was obviously the main character and Hansel his right-hand man, there is something we’re all forgetting. More accurately, someone. The hands down betchiest character in a movie full of people who are really, really ridiculously good looking. The man who refuses to drink a foamy latte. The creator of the piano key necktie. The only fucking person in the fashion industry to realize that Derek had one goddamn look. Presenting this week’s betch of the week: Jacobim Mugatu.
For those of you who haven’t seen Zoolander, I’m deeply sorry for your tragic childhood. Let me fill in the blanks for you. The movie opens with a news story about the Prime Minister of Malaysia, who is trying to end child labor . This is a problem for the fashion industry because they would actually have to start paying people a livable wage to make their clothes. Not an option.
Enter Mugatu: an iconic fashion designer who has been tasked with the job of finding a dumb as shit male model that he can brainwash to murder the Prime Minister. Bold statement that someone will undoubtedly argue: this is one of Will Ferrell’s top five career performances. Fight me.
Mugatu calls upon Derek, who he has previously refused to work with, because he is undoubtedly the dumbest human to ever exist. Jessica Simpson in her “chicken of the sea” days is Stephen Hawking compared to Derek Zoolander. Obviously because the movie isn't called Mugatu (if only), his plan is foiled and he probably goes to jail for attempting to assassinate a world leader. Whatever. His time behind bars would undoubtedly inspire a line of chic prison wear. But before that happens, he manages to captivate the audience with his zero fuck attitude and middle parted cropped periwig. I've never met Karl Lagerfeld, but I sincerely hope he is the Anna Wintour to Mugatu’s Miranda Priestly.
Like a true betch, Mugatu isn't afraid to tell it like it is. He’s the only moderately intelligent person in the movie, and also the only one who knows what the fuck Malaysia is, but plays his cards close to his chest. If he hadn't been betrayed by his less fashionable partner he would have gotten away with yet another public assassination, further proof to never trust a nice girl.
In light of the sequel and all that it could entail, I have one question: where the fuck is Mugatu? Why has no one gone on record about his role in the film. Why wasn't he sitting next to Anna at the Valentino show, petting his dog and whispering about how Cara Delevingne is so hot right now, Cara Delevingne. Why is everyone ignoring the most important character of the movie? I feel like I’m taking fucking crazy pills.
The betches have not, and will not forget you, Mugatu. No matter what happens with Zoolander 2, you will always be number one in our hearts.