Mussels In White Wine Because You Are So Damn Sophisticated

By Betchy Crocker

If you traveled abroad, you know that one of the most prolific dishes in Europe as a whole is mussels. Moules - frites, mussels and wine, mussels in garlic, mussels in red sauce, etc etc etc; I don't know who the first betch to decide this lowly looking sea-creature was worthy of a meal, but god bless her.

Mussels are also one of the easiest things to cook, like, ever. Plus, you look really fucking sophisticated serving your guests moules at a party. Tres chic, betch.


  • 2 lbs mussels, scrubbed clean under running water
  • ½ cup dry white wine like Chardonnay
  • ¼ cup shallots, minced
  • 2 tbsps garlic, minced
  • ¼ cup parsley, minced

First you need to clean those mussels. Get a giant bowl of salted water (1 tbsp salt for each quart of water) and put the mussels into it for 10-15 minutes. Throw out any of the mussels that are dead, i.e., they’re either wide fucking open or open and don’t close when you handle them. Take a look at your alive mussels. If they have “beards” (long kind of thread things on the surface of the shell), pull them out slowly and strongly towards the hinge of the shell.

Ok, now that your fingers are bleeding, you can start the sauce. Put the wine in the bottom of a big pot and add the mussels. Cover and bring to a boil, then reduce the heat to low. When all the mussels have opened (about 5-7 minutes), carefully remove them from the pot to a big bowl using tongs – leave the liquid in the pot.

Let the water in the pot settle then gently pour out into a measuring cup – leaving any grit in the bottom of the pot to throw out later. Melt the butter in a medium saucepan then add the shallots and cook until translucent. Add the garlic and cook about a minute longer – if you want a thicker sauce, add 1 tbsp of flour. Slowly add about a cup of the mussel cooking water to the saucepan – stirring the whole fucking time. Add the minced parsley.

Place the mussels in serving bowls and pour the sauce over. Serve with carbs or bread or something for dipping.





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