April 17, 2012
So last week Brangelina finally announced, after years of rumors, that they're going to get married. Turns out, Maddox was casually reading the Sunday Times entertainment section and was shocked to discover that not only was he passed up for the new Pizza Hut campaign in favor of Queen Latifah, but that his parents are not in fact married. Obviously outraged, Mads assembled his siblings in a lobby to overturn this injustice. And the rest, betches is history.
So now that we're gearing up for the wedding of the century, we've decided to take a moment to reflect on the last seven years of the Brangistan love triangle, what went wrong, and note our predictions for the event ahead of us.
The debate of Jen vs. Angelina has plagued most bestie groups for as long as they can remember. While you have the team Jen-ers arguing that Angie is a home-wrecking whore, the girls who choose Angelina will insist that Jen sucks and is prob a boring wannabe nice girl. Why can't we all just get along like we used to in middle school?
The betches are on the side of those.. who don't give a fuck. The only thing we do care about is that this whole decade long debacle is about this ONE guy. So Brad, congrats. You've managed to end one marriage and move onto another without tarnishing your own reputation, but instead making the media go fucking cray on your ex and your current. So tell us Brad, what was REALLY wrong with Jen? Did she make you brush her perfect hair? Force you to watch Rumor Has It? Water board you with smart water while you slept? I guess we'll never know, the answer as mysterious to us as the Da Vinci code or dishwashers.
Let's talk about this wedding. Seeing as Brang are like the most powerful couple in the world and that the birth of Shiloh was said to be "the most anticipated event since the birth of Jesus," we imagine that their wedding will not fall short of expectations. This is how we see it going:
Since we already know the wedding is to be set in the South of France we imagine they'll be privately flying the leaders of the most prestigious African clans to the event. We have a feeling Kanye will be invited either to object to the marriage or to inform an unsuspecting Zahara that she is in fact, adopted rather than just super tan.
Angie's dress will be made from the blood of African children and Brad's hair, and James Haven's foreskin.
And what can we say about Mr Pitt. He will manage to look really sexy, despite the fact that he personifies a goatee. No we don't mean he has a goatee, he fucking looks like one.
They will wed beneath an altar that was threaded delicately with the hairs of real live African cats. Lady Smith Black Mumbazo will perform at the reception. Jen will be invited, but will fly in last minute wearing Adidas breakaways, while this happens: "I Brad, take thee Rachel--I mean Jen---I mean, fuck"
Angie won't have noticed this slip because she will be too busy sticking her leg out of her wedding dress trying to poke someone in the front row.
They will sell the wedding pictures and donate the money to make an uplifting new app that sends you notifications each time a new person gets aids in any country in Africa. yay!!
Brad will sport "The Rachel"
Clooney will perform "You're just to good to be true, can't keep my eyes off of you.." ....quickly, while Angie's in the bathroom. Sandra Bullock, who regrets adopting a kid, will quietly show up and drop her child off hoping that the brangie clan will confuse him for their own.
Lance Bass and boyfriend will show up to call them out for lying about waiting for the gays, claiming that Angie cannot just use him for tips on lesbionifying Shiloh and then lie to him about equal rights.
And lastly, Shiloh will come dressed in a tux, and when her aren't parents looking, will sharpie in a thick mustache.