My Boyfriend Of 10 Months Won't Say I Love You - Ask A Pro

By The Head Pro

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]. You can also follow me on instagram at @betchesheadpro. My mom looked at it one time and assured me it was very funny.


Dear Head Pro,

I need some help. Knowing that I was moving to NYC, a good friend of my very close male cousin asked me out a couple of months ago saying that he would take me out to dinner when I moved here. We had met twice before and he had expressed interest in me to my cousin on several occasions, so he's not by a random Facebook stalker by any means. He has an awesome finance job, went to a great school, and is a super nice guy--in fact, so nice that I am straying from my usual fratty asshole type.

As promised, he took me out and we had an awesome time and totally clicked. On our second date we grabbed dinner again, and then went to a get-together at his friend’s apartment and I basically met 50% of his friends and we all got along super well. However, my college slutty self made an appearance that night and we had sex (Not the original plan, but I don't regret it at all because it was the best "first time" with someone I've ever had). The next day we went to an all day concert together (more of his friends were there too), were super coupley, touchy, and gentleman-ley, and he kept complimenting me and the sex from last night so I know the feeling was mutual. I slept over again and we got breakfast. Clearly I was PSYCHED we were getting along perfectly and there was no awkwardness from spending so much time together.

However, there were a couple of weekends where we didn't see each other because I left the city for one, then he left for another, etc but we texted almost every day talking about things we wanted to do together and such. I wanted to meet up with him during the week, but he claims that Mon-Wednesday is mainly "dedicated to work", and he normally doesn't get back home before 8, and on many occasions around midnight on any given day. (I get the occasional snap to affirm this). I even sort of sexted him on a Tuesday, trying to lure him, but I sort of got shut down(WTH?). He is a self-proclaimed workaholic, but part of me is so unnerved by this. We finally saw each other again at another party at his friends house, and he told me to bring my roommates, and we had a good time mixing friends and they seem to really like me. But something weird happened that night and basically he made an excuse and left the bar while I was still there and didn't sleep over.

Texting has been a little more spotty since then and I am so scared that I'm going to get ghosted. Like what is this shit??? We were doing SO well (made future plans, texting my cousin about it, asked when he was meeting my mom again because they had met before). I hate to spit this out, because I'm not exactly out of his league, but he is definitely a Nice Guy but maybe I underestimated him? Could it be the workaholicism? Am I jumping to conclusions and overreacting? He's a couple years older and had two very serious girlfriends and maybe I'm not up to snuff? Maybe he's just not that into me, but I for one feel like I'm going to get dropped at any second and it feels like shit. Paranoia is a bitch.

Any advice on how to understand a Nice Guy is much appreciated because I want to make this work.

Starting To Eat My Feelings

Jesus Christ, you need to chill out. For starters, I’m not sure you understand what a “Nice Guy” is. That is, Nice Guys aren’t sweet bros who do things like turn girls down when they get thirsty as fuck and sext them on a Tuesday. That’s the other thing - why are you trying to “lure” him out on a Tuesday when he was pretty clear that all of three whole days of the week are reserved for work and work only? Do you have any idea how miserable these people’s jobs are? Most people I know in law and finance would rather be Donald Trump’s personal ass-wiper than spend another minute arguing with production over pitch book bindings - he’s not doing it to avoid you, trust me.

In general, I don’t think you’re getting ghosted, I think you’re just annoyed that this guy isn’t turning his life upside down after having hung out with and fucked you a couple of times. It’s normal when you like someone to want to move forward at the speed of light, but if it happens it’s like when the company CEO’s daughter gets pulled up from intern to executive: You burn through a lot of initial goodwill, and end up with very little substance and no real foundation. If anything, it’s a blessing that the texting is a little spottier in that it’s giving you a chance to slow down and get a better feel for each other - case in point, you’re learning that he’s not available Mon-Wed. If the hangouts start to decrease as well that’s obviously a different matter, but if it’s going to work out you’ve got to allow for time to adjust to each other.

Dear Head Pro,

I just wanted to start out by saying that I love your work and look forward to your posts on the site. I'm a little older than your normal demographic, but I'm pushing 30 and don't really want to seek advice from friends that are all over the place in their own lives. Seemed like a good time to turn to you.

I spent most of my 20s as a carefree Betch/Delusional Dater combination. Basically, I didn't have an adult relationship go beyond 5 or 6 months. I blame myself for being immature and naïve well past the point of being cute. Also, I was attracted to the wrong guys, probably as a result of said immaturity. I took it upon myself to go to therapy and get annoyingly into yoga, so I believe I'm at a place of being able to handle a real-life adult relationship. I just lack experience in that arena for my age.

Enter Daniel. We've been dating for about 10 months now, and it's my healthiest relationship to date. He's an amazing guy: funny, honest, my friends and parents love him, etc. I believe I'm at a point where he is my best friend and I love him. The problem is that he's not as far along on the relationship trajectory. He has said he's committed, but he doesn't know if I'm "The One" yet. He hasn't told me he loves me, but he does say he cares about me deeply. I haven't met his parents and they live about 2 hours away (compared to my parents who live 8 hours away and have already met him). He hasn't fully opened his world to me, and he also talks about wanting to move back to his smaller home town (he says I'm probably the only reason he hasn't). I think he's less worried about me eventually moving down there with him, and more worried about going back himself. This all came to a head over a silly issue last night: summer wedding season! He has legitimate reasons for not going to a few of the weddings out of town, but I also felt like he was dragging his feet on some things that he promised he'd attend and I kind of snapped over it. I did get to explain that I really just want to be at a point as a couple where we can travel together and do the "normal" things couples do, but his indecisiveness is somewhat ruining things for me. This just got way too detailed and I'm sorry.

If we were in our early 20s, I know the slow-paced relationship wouldn't be a problem. I don't have baby fever or believe I'm supposed to be on some arbitrary timeline, but I would like to be with someone that is psyched about being with me and doing all of the stupid stuff that couples do. I know he cares about me, but will his walls ever come down? Is it worth waiting for him to open up? Is that even something that is likely to happen?

Thanks so much for reading this.

Inexperienced Old Hag

Nope. Nope, nope noppeeeeeeeeeee. This dude is setting you up to get hurt in ways that only children who run with scissors can understand. It’s one thing to be a little emotionally guarded, and to be hesitant to let people get close to you - as men, we’re expected to act that way our whole lives. It’s entirely different, though, when you’re a grown man of or about 30 who dates someone, exclusively, for 10 months who can’t manage to meet her parents, travel with her or tell her you fucking love her. I mean, fuck. What, is he actually like 16 and saying the “L-word” is like zomg such a big deal to him? I’m no psychologist, but this guy obviously has some kind of commitment issues. Either that, or you fart a lot in your sleep.

Since you mentioned that he might want to move back to his small hometown, it sounds like he may be kind of caught between two lives, and he doesn’t want to choose. Failing to properly commit keeps your relationship from progressing regularly, meaning moving back home isn’t entirely off the table. Then again, he might not be entirely sold on the idea of moving home, in which case your presence is enough to make it so that’s not an obvious choice, either. I’m not saying this is part of some kind of nefarious plan, mind you - I’m just saying that when faced with a difficult choice, it’s easier to make no choice at all if you have the opportunity.

A relationship where one person feels more strongly about the other is never, ever going to work out. You have some options here. You could bounce, which seems a little hasty; you could issue an ultimatum, which almost never works; or you could talk with him and try to get to the root of why he’s still so closed off. At the same time, make it known why this all matters to you. That’s really all you can do.

Send your relationship questions to [email protected]. You can also follow me on instagram at @betchesheadpro. My mom looked at it one time and assured me it was very funny.




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login