My Boyfriend's Friends All Hate Me. Is This a Problem? Ask A Pro

By The Betches

Subj: I gave a blow job in a strip club.. Is this guy my boyfriend?

Sup Head Pro,

Long time reader, first time writer... I've been dating this guy for 3 months now. We hang a few times a week, he takes me on nice dates, so far so far so good.. I think we're both getting the feeling this is heading toward the relationship route, and it it all came to a head(literally) last night.

We hit the city with some friends. We were drunk, and he said he wants us to be exclusive, I said I agree.. 5 drinks later we end up at a strip club. We get a little frisky and find an open lap dance room where I proceed with a blow job. Being drunk and playing off of his exclusive talk, I ask him if he's my boyfriend after we hook up. He gets awkward and says we should talk about it later.

I don't push the subject, and we have a great rest of the night and day today, but we still haven't soberly discussed anything.

1. Am I exclusive with him? 2. Should I bring it up sober or wait for him?

PS. I'm dying to know, what's your sign?

Exclusive kisses,

Blow job Betty

Dear Blow Job Betty,

Nice job using a subject line that’s just barely tangentially related to the content of your email. That’s some good yellow journalism, right there. Your all-around abhorrent (on both of your parts) behavior aside, why would you give more weight to his drunken denial of exclusivity than you would to his equally drunken assertion? I mean, the two came (haha) within minutes of each other, and guys are known to get a little weird in the moments following orgasm. Immediately post-blow jibber, while you’re still wiping his baby batter from your chin, was probably not the best time for a followup conversation.

If things still seem copacetic, I wouldn’t worry too much about it. Having an initial DTR talk like that is about the most awkward thing in the world, which is why many people make the overture when they have a little liquid courage in them (and, in his case, your dick in someone’s mouth). Hell, at least proposing marriage is a scripted affair. As to whether you’re exclusive with him, well, that depends on you and not him. Are you, or aren’t you? In terms of his reciprocation of said exclusivity, you’re under no obligation to wait and hope he brings it up again. If you want to know, ask him. All I can say is that there’s no reason to believe he would have made up his request for exclusivity just for the lolz, no matter how drunk he was.

PS - Fuck that astrology bullshit.

Lubricated Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Bro,

So recently through a friend I met this great guy. I won't spare you with the boring details but we get along really well and the sex is great. Only problem is he goes to school over 12 hours away. We are both graduating this year and he says he wants to talk the rest of the semester and always talks about things we can do over the summer but what I want to know, is it worth it? Obviously not trying to get into a relationship now but why bother talking to this kid when I won't see him until May! Not sure what the next step is. Not sure if he is looking for a long distance relationship thing or just being an ass saying we will hang but really is just looking for someone to sext. Is there a possibility of a future? Help.


Unsure Betch

Dear Unsure Betch,


Far Away Kisses,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I have been with my boyfriend for almost two years and everything is great between us except one issue, almost all of his friends hate me. As a betch I can be a bit sassy sometimes which sometimes results in dumb drunk fights and I know all of his friends hate it. Also, I went through a slutty stage my freshman year of college resulting in me sleeping with quite a few other boys in my bf's frat which doesn't help my cause. My bf tells me that it doesn't bother him that all his friends hate me but I know it makes him upset. The other day one of his friends even drunkenly told me that we needed to break up! I love my boyfriend so much and I have been trying to be nice but my betchy ways are hard to overcome! How can I win over my boyfriend's friends or am I a lost cause?

Unlikable Betch

Dear Unlikable Betch,

Goodness. How the fuck, exactly, have you managed to make it two whole years as a couple if all of his friends hate you? You’re right that it makes him upset that they all hate you. Buy-in from friends is a HUGE deal in a non-legally binding relationship like that. No one can handle that forever. Sooner or later, his friends will stop dealing with it and decide it’s not worth keeping him in the friend group if they have to deal with his awful girlfriend as well. It’s also telling that they say things to you, directly. I think everyone has a friend whose girlfriend/boyfriend they’d prefer to avoid, but it’s rare to dislike someone so much that you tell them to their face.

Anyhoo, his friends don’t hate YOU, per se. They hate that you’re a shitty girlfriend to him, or at least as far as they can tell when they see the two of you interact. All they really know about you is that you start shit with him whenever y’all go out, and no one likes to see their friend treated that way, especially not by someone who claims to love him. I don’t recall where in the betch handbook it recommended being a shithead to a boyfriend that tolerates you, even if it appears to alienate his friends. That’s not you being “betchy,” that’s you being a twat.

If you really can’t seem to avoid being a dick to everyone you meet, maybe you don’t love your boyfriend as much as you think you do. I’m no expert, but I’m pretty sure starting drunken fights sometimes when you go out is an indicator of a healthy, loving relationship. It sounds more like you’ve grown to depend on one another (in a bad way), and it’s all either of you can do to keep from gouging out each others’ eyeballs and sex organs. “Not being a shithead” to the one you claim to love shouldn’t be that hard. Maybe you should look deeper and see if dumping him wouldn’t be doing everyone involved a huge favor.

Antagonistic Kisses,

Head Pro




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