April 1, 2015
Just want to start by saying I'm a huge fan of your site (obvi), and I definitely spend way too much time on this site rather than finishing my homework...sorry not sorry.
Anyways, I'm in college and I have a best friend who I've been friends with since the first day of fresh year. She's hilarious, fun, and really outgoing. We have a lot in common and it's great to have someone who pregames as hard as I do. Unfortunately, I'm having some problems with my friend.
First, our school has a pretty strong hookup culture, so occasionally we'll hookup with a bro when we're out. But lately, my friend has hooked up with one or two many bros who might be bad choices. She's getting a bad rep which is sad, because she's so much better than everything negative that people are saying about her.
The real problem lies with the past 3 weeks. I hooked up with this guy who I was totally into, but he was in an open relationship so I never pursued anything with him. My friend decided that because he hooked up with me, she would go for it. She pretty much threw herself at him, and now he dumped his gf and she's pursuing him, despite how she knew that I was really into him.
On top of this, last weekend she hooked up one of my steady hookups which was also gross. Not trying to be connected with my friends in multiple ways.
My best friend is great, but she prides herself in the idea that guys with boyfriends are always into her. One of our other great friend's boyfriends broke up with her, and my best friend totally swooped in and hooked up with this guy as our friend was crying about him. She's just being really shady, and I don't know what to do.
Sorry if any of this sounds unbetchy, I just don't know what to do about my shady best friend.
Thanks so much if you do reply to this. I would appreciate any impartial advice I could get at this point.
Dear Accidental Eskimo Sister,
Ya unlike most of the questions we get, this is actually an issue. My initial reaction was just “ugh” and I feel like that sums up the situation very well. Unfortunately most betches will come across with a “friend” with no sense of girl code or boundaries. Usually you get it (/her) out of your system in middle school, but you get the occasional straggler. Ugh.
OK I’m done sympathizing. Is your friend the last girl who wrote into Dear Betch? Serious question. Maybe you could start off by sending her the link to that article.
Not trying to sound like fucking Ask Prudence, but there really is no other way to go about this effectively other than talking to your friend. If you ice her out, she’ll probably play the victim and be like “Omg why is everybody being so mean to me I like don't understand??.” If you try to be passive-aggressive, it will go over her head (or she’ll pretend like it’s going over her head so she can continue to have license to do whatever the fuck she wants). So pretty much you have to sit her down and be like “ex-hookups are just off-limits to friends. That’s like, the rules of feminism!”
Really, you need to emphasize a) how not cool her behavior is and b) how much it hurts you (you’re going to have to pretend to have feelings for this). Mention that you love having her as a friend, don’t want this to come between you, you’re here to talk about her blatant daddy issues, chicks over dicks, blah blah blah. If she’s an actual friend and not a sociopath, she’ll stop immediately because a real friend wouldn’t intentionally be a dick to people she supposedly cares about. If she tries to justify her behavior in any way (“well you weren’t going for him!”, “they were gonna break up anyway”, etc.), play the victim, or does anything but apologize and promise to cut out the crap (and then follow through), you pretty much need to phase her out of your inner circle. You can still be friends, but move her to the “people who are cool to hang out with but you know you can’t trust with personal info” category. Don’t take it too personally, your friend clearly is doing this because she has a lot of deep-seated insecurity issues she needs to deal with. Maybe you could like start a foundation in her name.
It might be hard cutting her out slowly but you have to look out for #1. Keeping a SAF (Shady Asshole Friend) around is only going to bring more drama and Dear Betch questions, and I might not have time to answer them all, so what will you do then?
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