Obetchuary: Nancy Reagan

By Blackout Betch

The world lost a timeless betch this weekend. We hate calling people classy because it basically means you’re a try-hard who stays home on the weekends and lives off of kale, but for Nancy Reagan we will make an exception because she was pure class. She died on Sunday of congestive heart failure, and just like that, we’re down to even fewer betches on this planet.

Nancy had her shit together, but still managed to never put up with anyone else’s shit. Her marriage and relationship with Ronald Reagan doesn’t actually make us want to throw up in our Birkins like most romances do these days.

In typical betchy fashion, Nancy, an actress at the time, only went to dinner with Ronald for the first time because people were talking shit about her and saying she was a Communist sympathizer, which back then was like being called fat AND poor.

She later wrote that after that dinner she realized he was everything she ever wanted. Knowing what you want and getting it? Clearly a betch.

In her 94 years, Nancy was more than just a First Lady. She was a Girl Scout, which in itself isn’t exactly betchy, we know, but the Girl Scouts of America named her honorary president so basically head bitch in charge of all Thin Mints. If you say you don’t like Thin Mints, you’re a fucking liar.

She also ran shit when her husband became president with her “Just Say No” campaign, which fought against kids doing drugs. If you’re like 14 and doing drugs you should probably reevaluate your life, so good for Nancy for being able to tolerate that shit and help out. So down to earth.

Nancy loved those three little words (“Just say no”) so much that over 12,000 “Just Say No” clubs have been formed across the country. It’s a phrase people all over should learn to love as much as Nancy did. A bro who’s a 6 on a good day wants to take you out to dinner? Just say no.  Your frenemy offers to buy you another Long Island Iced Tea at the bar? It’s a no. You don’t need those extra calories (or shots tbh).

Upon hearing about her death, even Donald Trump stopped being an asshole for five seconds and said she was an amazing woman who will be missed. We didn’t know Donnie could put the words “amazing” and “woman” next to each other so clearly Nancy was a BFD.

Some random White House aide/staff member/whatever we hate politics named Michael Weaver said it best: “Without Nancy, there would have been no Governor Reagan, no President Reagan.”

Damn fucking straight. Now if only all the fuckboys in this world would realize the same about us.

Rest in peace to a true iconic betch. 




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