170. Naps

By The Betches

August 1, 2012

There are few activities betches love more than those that solely benefit ourselves. Be this working out, doing drugs, charging shit to our dads' credit cards, etc., there's no greater joy to us than an activity that is all about #1. Nowhere is this exemplified more than in the art of the nap: the greatest non-activity activity in existence.

As betches, our lives are often jam packed with parties, activities, travels, shopping, and tanning. At the end of the day we're only human and these events will often wear us out. Be it a drunk nap after day drinking to recuperate for nighttime raging, a safe haven from your extended family visiting your house, or a much needed solace after your 50 minute afternoon class at, naps are necessary and prep you for a productive rest of the evening. Let's delve into why naps are the betchiest thing since sliced sashimi

 - Sleeping makes you skinny because you burn more calories sleeping than doing nothing when you're awake. 

 - Saying you need a nap is a great excuse to not do work/anything.

 - Annoying Roommate: "Oh would you mind cleaning up after last night's pregame?" 

   You: "Ugh, sorry, I'm super tired. Had an 11:15 class this morning. I need to nap, like, now."

 - Obvs where the term 'beauty sleep' came from, napping is the all time best way to avoid eating. You think Snow White had such great skin from being up all night having an orgy with a bunch of dwarves. No, that bitch knew that all she had to do to get Prince Charming was take a long fucking nap until he came to awaken her to a lifetime of not doing work.

 - What better way to ignore whatever anyone is saying around us and to be #24 insensitive to their annoying guy issues than to literally fall the fuck asleep. It's a clear sign that we dont give a fuck about whatever happens to be going on around us.

 - Napping is  a great excuse to ignore people's texts, calls, and general obligations.. "Omg so sorry, I passed out.

 - Every betch knows the only thing more fun than blacking out are black-out shades and air conditioning set to 68 degrees.

 - Sometimes you've been raging too hard for too many consecutive days and need a quick nap at the club for a sec before getting back up and dancing on tables. Happens to the best of us  me.

 - 'Falling asleep' on a guy in the cab because he was boring is the best way to #8 not fuck bros and get out of what seems like an obligatory hook up.

 - Often a night or partying will end with three options: Eating, sleeping, or sex. Most of us pref this list last to least.

 - Dreaming is technically the most intense version of thinking about ourselves because you can only dream about what's in your head. If you've ever made a cameo in my dream it means I secretly want to have sex with you and/or hate/love you enough to let you occupy my subconscious mind.

 - Betches will always find time in their schedule to make up for missed sleep. The only people who choose to stay awake longer than they need to are creepy teenage boys 'surfing the web' and coked out investment bankers.

 - People who 'dont take naps' are equivalent to 'morning people' aka people with whom we have no desire to associate and exist solely to make us feel bad about laziness. Fuck you, non-nappers!

So betches, while some may say that naps are reserved for the elderly and people who have like, careers, we say: that's bullshit. There's nothing that screams you live a fulfilling life than having the spare time to nap at 3 pm on a Tuesday. If you have the ability to stay up all day, you probably fucking suck.  At the end of the day, if you're not napping you're probably doing things for which normal people hire a housekeeper, updating yourself on world issues, or like, eating. Save your calories for your dreams, betches. Stay thin, stay ignorant, take fucking naps.


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