Betches, it's time for the holy grail of collegiate athletics: the National Championship football game. As we begrudgingly watch the Ohio State Buckeyes and Oregon Ducks spend three hours fighting for a trophy, let us at least find an excuse to do so.
That excuse is drinking.
Here is the proper way to watch the National Championship while getting inappropriately drunk on a Monday.
Drink each time:
- Referee throws a flag
- Commentators refer to Heisman winner Marcus Mariota as "talented, special, or a leader"
- Commentators mention previously-eliminated Alabama and/or Florida State
- Commentator talks about uniforms
- Camera pans to overweight Midwesterners in crowd wearing Ohio state gear
- Camera pans to Oregon fan who looks stoned
- Someone mentions the game is in Texas
- Player makes gyrating motion with hips in celebration
- Coach drops f-bomb on sideline and camera catches him
- Ohio State coach Urban Meyer crosses his arms
- Oregon coach Mark Helfrich squints
- Game stops for injury
- Turnover, like fumble or interception
- Kicker misses a field goal
- Hail-Mary touchdown
- National trophy is presented