May 16, 2013
Basketball - What is it? What does it mean? How does it work? Since science still doesn’t have any answers for us, all we can say for sure at this point is that it is a sport that people play, and right now they’re in the playoffs.
I’ll watch basketball the same way I’ll watch any other sport on TV (with the exception of soccer or car racing), but it’s not one of my “favorite” sports. In fact, I think it’s kind of weird for a guy to list basketball as his favorite sport, trumped only by college basketball. If you meet a guy and he says his favorite sport to watch is “college basketball,” report him to the authorities. He’s either a current or future terrorist. Only a bad, bad man would enjoy watching something so masochistic.
Anyway, basketball. Playoffs! LeBron James! Yes, all of those things are happening. The tournament is working its way into the conference finals, with two of the four teams having already secured spots. The NBA is split into eastern and western conferences, so in the east the #1 seeded Miami heat beat my beloved Chicago Bulls 4 games to 1 (playoff series are best of seven games) to advance. No one is super surprised by that. What’s more surprising is that in the western conference, the #5 seeded Memphis Grizzlies moved heaven and earth to trounce the #1 seeded Oklahoma City Thunder 4 games to 1, also advancing to the conference finals. Let’s talk a little more about the teams that are in the semifinals, and the teams that might be in the semifinals. You know, for talking points or whatever the fuck, and also because the Head Betches are making me.
The Miami Heat are probably the one team about which every girl knows at least something, primarily because LeBron James plays for them. The Heat started and ended the regular season as favorites to win it all, because any time you have Lebron and Dwayne Wade on your roster it’s hard to call yourself an underdog with a straight face. If you want to sound knowledgeable, talk about how the Heat don’t match up well with either Memphis or San Antonio, their two likely opponents in the finals. If you want to seduce me in particular, talk about how the Bulls would have totally beaten them if Derrick Rose were playing.
I’ll be honest, I’d kind of forgotten that Memphis even had an NBA team. They don’t really have any singularly remarkable players, but they play good team ball and are a big, physical team. If you live in or near Memphis, you are probably very happy about their upset over OKC. I would imagine it’s the only thing to be happy about if you live in Memphis, aside from that Marc Cohn song. Talk about how Memphis is a solid team, but still had no business beating OKC and that Kevin Durant (the best player in OKC and maybe the world) is too good to not have a shot at a championship sooner or later.
The #2 seeded Spurs have a 3-2 lead over the #6 seeded Golden State Warriors (because California needs four goddamned NBA teams, for some reason). The Spurs have been good for what feels like forever, while Golden State has never been good, ever. Golden State upset #3 seed Denver in the first round and is hanging in there with the Spurs, but I don’t see it happening for him. Talk about how Tim Duncan doesn’t seem to age, and remind everyone that Tony Parker was once married to cougar and former Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria. If you want to discuss Golden State for some odd reason, mention how crazy good Steph Curry is at shooting 3-pointers, despite being a man named Steph. Maybe pull up “A Boy Named Sue” on the jukebox and share a chuckle.
With all (insincere) apologies to New Yorkers, the #3 seeded Pacers are up 3 games to 1 on the #2 seeded Knicks, and that’s a deep hole out of which to dig. It’s happened exactly 8 times in NBA history. It’s not impossible, and the Knicks are playing tonight at home, but the Knicks were probably seeded a little too high and the Pacers seem to be hitting their stride right about now (you could say they’ve “found the right pace” if you want to make me want to murder you). Anyway, Carmello Anthony is the best player on the Knicks and another person most girls have heard of, in part because he’s a poor man’s Lebron and in part because his name reminds me of a candy bar.
So, that’s basketball right now. I’ll probably tune in to something more worthwhile, like baseball or golf or literally anything that isn’t basketball.