New Girl Recap: That Shit Cray, Ain't It Schmidt?

By The Betches

New Girl is back, betches. Last week's was a total bust but it made a huge comeback last night. TG. Fear not, the recaps will go on… We'll never let go Schmidt, we'll never let go.

We're not surprised we loved this episode because it was all about Schmidt. And no, we're not going to make any Jack Nicholson/topless Kathy Bates jokes, because I really don't want to evoke the nightmares and revisit the therapy sessions that movie caused me.

Anyway, let's go over what happened:

schmidtI mean, I'll do it.

Nick and Winston are fighting over who is cheaper. Ugh this shit was nauseating because there is nothing less attractive than a cheap motherfucking bro. Actually, there is, and his name is Mike Sorrentino. Regardless, If Nick doesn't get a job soon I'm going to actually start vomitting all over my computer, or worse, start liking Winston. Who, by the way, scored major points last night by telling Schmidt he missed his hair chutney.


Speaking of our main man, he went fucking crazy last night and we're going to try to ignore it… because the biggest thing we were dying to know is where in Chicago can you find a boardwalk this concentrated with hippies? It was like Venice Beach meets Brighton Beach meets McDonalds. You're eating street meat wrapped in street meat!

That reminds us, time to go over our fav Schmidt-flavored lines from last night:

Ugh! I'm gonna have to walk all the way home. I have my slippiest loafers on.

I'm assuming these are your spices mixed with my spices? I would appreciate if your non-Tahitian vanilla was not touching my Tahitian vanilla.

I can get a tetanus shot but I can't cure damaged suede.

Pine has no place in this loft, it's the wood of poor people and outhouses.

Hey guys I went into the ocean without my aqua socks!

It's like you're pulling out the side block of my mental jenga.

With all that said, I think it's pretty safe to say if there was a contest entitled Win a Date with Max Greenfield, I wouldn't NOT apply. Cough someone tweet this shit at him cough.

Lastly, we must point out something phenomenal that happened in the episode. It was when Winston said "I'm just gonna stay drunk forever," and Nick asks, "why is there no girl version of you?" Well guys, the gods have answered, and you're reading her words right now.

See you next Tuesday.

Last week's recap>>






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