January 30, 2013
Holy fucking girl porn. Last night’s episode of “New Girl” totally made up for all the previous head-scratching episodes that have been boring as fuck (ex: Nick in the swimming pool, the one with Nick’s dad etc.). In short, OMGBESTEPISODEEVER.
Nick steals his neighbor’s Inspector Gadget trench-coat after the package gets delivered to their apartment (we forgive the writers from stealing this storyline from the “Friends” cheesecake episode) and refuses to take it off because he thinks it makes him more outgoing. Turns out the trench-coat has magical powers because he actually manages to use his pathetic, 80 year-old, cranky ass charm at the bar to chat up a noticeably brunette Brooklyn Decker. Schmidt’s not happy because he can’t understand how a loser with a sob story wearing a woman’s coat could score Brooklyn’s attention. We agreed with Schmidt until we remembered she’s married to Andy Roddick, so gremlin looking men are clearly her type.
Winston brings nothing to the table as usual. He can’t manage to talk to any girls at the bar, which we totally buy because he sucks. He ends up chatting with the Asian psycho from the Social Network. She attempts to make him somewhat more interesting than the paper box Jess wears this episode. Jess is left at home because Nick realizes she’s his “cooler” AKA cockblock, which we would believe if Nick possessed any game whatsoever. Jess thinks someone’s breaking in and freaks out and obv calls her knight-in-shining-loser Nick to come rescue her and we’re like awww but immediately forget about it because Jess looks skinny in her bra. Everyone comes home and plays “True American: Clinton Edition”, or what appears to be the best game ever so Jess can help Nick get some and prove she’s not a cooler. I wish I could understand at least one rule because they make jumping on shit and getting fucked up look like a fucking blast.
Cece shows up with her British Indian man-friend and everyone joins in on harassing Nick & Jess to kiss as part of “True American.” Nick obviously drops the ball…only to make up for it in the best plot development to ever grace “New Girl” when Nick spontaneously grabs Jess in the hallway and pulls her in for a surprisingly non-nauseating and insanely adorable make out sesh and we were all like YES. Nick sometimes sucks and Jess is annoying but together they’re the suckiest and most annoyingly charming couple...team Jessnicka.
Cece's date about Schmidt: “I’m sorry... you love that small, shiny man?”
Jess on being scared: “Seriously, I think it may be gang related. I’ve always been worried about my blue curtains…Crips.”
Schmidt on seducing Brooklyn: "Sometimes I urniate when the wind bows…::makes wind sound::…ce...ce…You know, I left something in the desert that day: my faith in true love and my biracial child"
Schmidt in True American: “It’s Abu Nazir!”