New Girl Recap: Friends Help Friends Have Meaningless Sex

By The Betches

I think everyone would agree that if not for the Nick and Jess proclamation of attraction last night's episode would've been just okay. As much as we love Schmidt and his Taylor Swift-like range of emotions I can't say that I was dying over the whole Ta/ugg Romney spiel. Like it was funny the first 1-3 times he said it, but by the 27th I felt as though I was watching tonight's debate, and that's physically impossible because like, X Factor is on.

Schmidt and Winston

Let's talk about the elephant in the room here, and by elephant we mean whale and by whale we mean whale belt. It's after Labor Day, I'm wearin' whales. So Schmidt's who(a)le plot line was cute but made little to no sense. He wants to befriend Kanye so he wears a belt he claims was Kanye's but somehow is able to pass for a Romney (?). I highly doubt Kanye's stylist would throw out 100 pairs of Kim's Louboutins but let Kanye keep an accessory of the marine mammal/republican variety.

Then he shows up to a club where he says Kanye is partying, is really stalking Cece, but goes home with a Kappa for Romney. Any Romney lover would know that Tagg Romney looks about 25 years older than Schmidt. We're not saying we're necessary Romney lovers but we do have a long standing romantic relationship with Google image search.

And due to sexual frustration Winston spent the entire episode staring at women imagining having sex with them, but ended up just looking like a black Forrest Gump.

Schmidt: "Befriending Kanye is the most efficient way to jump social strata. Now all I have to do is meet him and dazzle him to the point where we are each other's last call before bed... yo what up K....yeah I'm just going to watchin' Fallon?...yeah, that brotha's crazy."

Nick and Jess

I can't decide if the way they've been pushing the inevitable Nick and Jess romance is cute or really fucking annoying. On one hand it's like aww, they both make weird voices, speak in third person, and play Polly Pocket, but instead of dolls they use bar nuts! But on the other hand it's it's like shut the FUCK up, you know?

Anyway, Sam the fuck buddy is really hot, still reminds us of Dylan from Modern Family, which is fine because we love Dylan, and shows Jess that she's emotionally abusing Nick. But the thing we thought was adorable was that Nick really enjoys being emotionally beaten by his future girlfriend. +10 Nick, +10.

Jess to Nick: "I don't want to kiss and tell but he did ruin my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?"

Just one thing Jess, can you please get rid of that godforsaken bunny ear iPhone case? We have standards, this is the 90s.




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