New Girl Recap: New Girl, Old Jokes

By The Betches

Okay, this post will be short because last night's episode sucked. It's like no FOX, you can't throw in a casual cancer-scare plot twist out of fucking no where, this isn't One Tree Hill. What the fuck was the point of it all anyway, for Nick to reflect on how he's a complete loser and that he actually likes Jess? Couldn't they have done it in a way that didn't make me want to fake com sui? I just want to know why everyone on this show drives an unleavened turd on wheels.

I don't even want to go over what happened, because if I did then this post would end after this sentence. Okay cool, Nick jumped into some cold water and his penis shrank. Woopdee do, who the fuck cares. If they don't pick it back up next episode I'm dropping the show. I said the same thing about Gossip Girl after season three, and seeing as the actress who plays Ivy Dickens is right under Anne Hathaway on my shit list, I wouldn't recommend taking my empty threats to heart.

new girl injuryA vision in blue spandex

However, Cece did kill it this episode as her drink of choice was a vodka soda and her coif was as ombre as the hair on my newly styled dog. She also just didn't give a shit about the sentimental crap that was going on around her. "You're sad..because your friend is getting an ultrasound tomorrow?"


Due to this episode not being funny whatsoever, our Schmidt quote of the day will not be on par with his previous evil genius sayings, which is ironic because Jess sarcastically calls him a comedian in the beginning of the episode. Um fuck you if you tell me this doesn't actually qualify as irony, do I look like I would have the bone structure of an 'Alannis?'

Schmidt's episode score card:

"You put mad flava in his ear"B-

"It's probably your lateral sizer" ...C+

"I have tons of wallet chains you can borrow"B+

This isn't a quote but, we loved his football attire: cut-off leggings …A-

The only amazing thing about this episode was that it was a plot builder for the inevitable Jess and Nick hook up. CAN'T EFFING WAIT. Well I was excited for a minute, but then I continued living my life.

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