New Girl Recap: Nick and Statutory Rape Charges Sitting in a Tree...

By The Betches

No you're not crazy, we did not recap New Girl last week. Sorrz, we were just soooo busy in Miami you know, laying out and drinking. But fear not, we're back this week and really happy because not only is the hottest red sharpie coming back tonight, but last night's New Girl was like laugh out loud, verge on tears, IMing-besties-'new-girl-is-sick' funny.

To be clear, watching this show for Zooey is not betchy. She's a personified Disney princess with poor vision. Schmidt however, he's the real deal. Schmidt becomes so athletic during sex that birth control becomes one of those barbecue covers in a hurricane. The scene when he's on the phone with Nick pretending to be talking to a 'Nicole' to make Cece jealous made him worthy of an Oscar, or a BET award. It was so funny we're probs going to recount it for you here....

But while we're waiting for our DVR to fast forward to that part, let's talk about what happened in the episode.

Cece thinks she's pregnant. Schmidt finds out. He calls it a caramel miracle.

Nick is dating a girl with unreasonably disproportionate facial features. Like mouth big, nose small, head wide, kind of looks like a tall Geisha. Turns out she's 18. His b.

Jess babysits Russell's daughter. Even though he is a now-grey-ex-brunette and his wife is that brown haired bitch from Big Love whose name is inexplicably Ouli, their daughter is a full-on ginger. Despite her orange tinge, she quickly became our favorite character when she came out of Nicks room with a big pillow under her shirt screaming "I'M PREGNANT" and when she told Jess that her life is like Gossip Girl, except everyone is old and poor.

Schmidt gets VIP tickets to Italy On Ice and asks Cece on a date. She says no. He tries to coax her with telling her there will be PAPA's popcorn, in Italian.

Nick somehow becomes hot?

Winston - honestly, we have no fucking idea.


new girl kid "Have you done a 99?" "I think that's a tax form..."


Schmidt quote fest:

I was the bomb diggity as a baby. I was like break dancing at 8 months old. They say I needed a magnum size diaper.

If you're a boy I'm gonna name you mordechai, abraham, menahamenendo, schmereson...

Quick heads up I'm probably gonna go on the internet before we have sex again. I just don't want to impregnate the baby. You know, we could have a Russian nesting doll situation on our hands.

And now for the Nick Schmidt conversation...drum roll please.

Schmidt: Hey Nick-cole Nick: What's up Schmidt Schmidt: What it be, girl? what you got goin on ma? It's the freakin weekend Nick: Did you just call me girl? Schmidt: Are you wearin som' sexy? Nick: Button down and jeans, like always Schmidt: Oh you got jeans on baby? Are dey tight? Nick: They're a little loose, I buy big Schmidt: Ooooh dem jeans sound sexy. Nick: Everything alright? You wanna hang out more Schmidt Schmidt: You takin' takin care of that tushy for me? Nick: I'm not doing like squats or anything. I'm trying to eat less donuts Schmidt: You still keepin it tight? Cece: You're an idiot

That's all for now betches. If you thought something was funny that we missed, write it down in the comments. See you next Tuesday.





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