New Girl Recap: Schmidtsgiving

By The Betches

On last night's special thanksgiving special of New Girl, we were introduced to Jess's parents, Jamie Lee Activia Curtis and Rob Reiner, who we admit were amazing casting choices. Jamie Lee played the same "hot" mom role she did in Freaky Friday but the only thing missing was Chad Michael Murray trying to make out with JLC while simultaneously whispering hit me baby one more time in her ear.

Rob Reiner was unreal because he is the director of one of our favorite movies, the one that taught us the lesson that there are no such thing as guy friends and that Katz serves orgasmic deli meats. But watching him make out with Miss Paranormal Activia in the bathroom was nothing short of fucking gross.


Ugh, why are you so lame, you're like 25 or something and you're still trying to play cupid with your old ass parents. It's like, not cute. And texting naked pictures of your mom showering to your dad is just absolutely revolting, especially because its JLC's naked grandma body.

On revealing that her dad's girlfriend cheated on him: "I thought everyone knew! You grieve so publicly on Instagram..all those pictures of sad trees and your lunches."


Then there's Nick. Nick appears to be just like Jess's dad in that they're both grumpy old men but Nick's not old, just grumpy. This is BAD news for Jess-Nick enthusiasts because Jess is exactly like her mom sans gray lesbian hairdo, and if we've learned anything from Jess's parents and Taylor Swift, it's that they're never getting back together, like ever.


...Spends his Thanksgiving trying to get Schmidt and cousin Schmidt to fight over who is the ultimate Schmidt thereby getting himself kissed by a man. The end.


Schmidt enters into a decathlon with his cousin Schmidt. First it is a test of strength and endurance, "I mean you did touch a hotter pan but he ate a much bigger candle, you belched longer, but he farted louder, you punched a tree, he head butted a bench, you both bailed on the 5th testicle punch..." but then after a very emotional speech about manhood (see below) they enter phase 2 of the Race to the One True Schmidt, or in other words recreating the show Chopped in their kitchen.

"Know this: your caveman ideas about manhood are so over. Manhood today is about exfoliation, cheese courses, emotional honesty, and Paxil. And yes cutting peppers in the classic style de Julienne. You may have bested me in the competition of pre-Clinton manhood but I am Schmidt, a refined and enlightened pescatarian, 90% of the time."

Last week's recap>>




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