The New York Pizza Festival Was The Fyre Festival Of Pizza | Betches

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New York City Had Its Very Own Fyre Festival Over The Weekend

By Jane Duh

If there’s one thing people know about New Yorkers, it’s that we’re fairly serious about pizza. So serious, in fact, that one would not bat an eyelash to hear about New York organizing an entire day for pizza eating called, predictably, the New York Pizza festival. Unfortunately for pizza lovers everywhere, it turns out the New York Pizza festival, which was supposed to be “a day long celebration of dough, cheese, tasty toppings and delicious toppings,” was a disaster of epic proportions, which is unfortunate because like, pizza. Now attendees are comparing it to the wonderful very sad disaster that was Fyre Festival and honestly, the comparison adds up.


Ever since Ja Rule and Billy McFarland were first exposed as having sent a hundred or so social media influencers to the Hunger Games an island in the Bahamas, calling anything and everything that is unexpectedly fucked up the “Fyre Festival of ___” has been all the rage. So how Fyre Festival-y was the New York Pizza Festival? Honestly, it was the most Fyre Festival-y festival since…well…Fyre Festival. In fact, the similarities between the two are legitimately so striking I had to double check that Ja Rule was not involved. TBH, the New York Pizza festival may even be worse than the actual Fyre Fest because instead of fucking with dumbass social media influencers, it fucked with pizza, one of the only pure things left in this world.

So what exactly went down at this “Pizza festival?” Well, apparently, attendees paid $75 per ticket (sidebar: if you’re paying $75 to eat pizza in New York, you’re doing it wrong) in hopes of getting some gourmet slices. Instead, they got this:

 

Wait…is that the half slice I threw out a week a go just to ensure that I wouldn’t eat a whole pie by myself? It looks familiar…

According to an official Facebook post, the lack of pizza at the pizza festival was due to “late pizza deliveries.”

Wait, so your plan for the pizza festival was to just…order all the pizzas? I mean, I know the Domino's Pizza Tracker is accurate but I think we all know that “30 minutes or less” thing is bullshit. Have the organizers of the Pizza Festival never ordered pizza before? Maybe…

And sure, attendees weren’t stranded on an island with no running water in the Bahamas, but the location of the pizza festival wasn’t much better, considering it took place in a parking lot in Bushwick. As a Bushwick resident, I can tell you one thing for certain: The only reason to be in a parking lot in Bushwick is to retrieve your car or commit a murder. Under no circumstances should you accept any food you receive there. This is a Betches PSA.

So yeah, an insanely overpriced festival that did not deliver on any of its promises and took place in a low-key dangerous location? That is extremely Fyre Festival-y, but the similarities do not end there.

By now we all know fuckboy extraordinaire Billy McFarland, who ruined Ja Rule’s life was the mastermind behind Fyre Festival. Now I’d like to introduce you to Ishmael Osekre, the man behind the New York Pizza festival, whose previous claim to fame was organizing the African Food Festival, which also happened to be a disaster of epic proportions.

Honestly, I did not realize that “Organizer Of Failed Food Festivals” was a legitimate career choice. BRB. Updating my resume.

Sadly for Osekre, he failed to properly calculate the extra-ness of New York pizza lovers. Pro tip: if someone is paying $75 to eat pizza, it is safe to say they’re expecting to eat some fucking pizza.

So how extra were the attendees of the Pizza Festival, exactly? Extra enough to start a Facebook group for “victims,” demanding justice. Now the entire operation is being investigated by the New York Attorney General’s office because, once again for the people in the back, do no fuck with pizza in New York. Don’t even joke about fucking with pizza in New York. Honestly, I would not be surprised if this resulted in its own $100 million lawsuit. 




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