Real World Roundup: What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Tanner

By The Betches

Have you always wanted to fuck Barack Obama but never knew if he had the game to back it up? Look no further, betches. This stream of letters from Barry's girlfriends proved he was such an SAB, most of these bitches weren't even sure if he was dating them. From dates consisting of fucking on the weekends to his epic response to a girl telling him she loved him, we know all it took for him to get to the White House was a midnight T.S. Eliot reading with Hilary, followed by bailing after his post-poetry BJ at Congress. Read article>

Levi Johnston picks weirdest baby name for his second baby mama. While his baby with Bristol was named after what he was doing while he knocked her up (and for the subsequent rest of the pregnancy), the Levster decided to name this one after a gun called a Beretta and a Malibu Bay Breeze, his 2 fav things. Don't worry though, he still wins dad of the year since he made sure his daughters initials are BJ. +5 for foresight. Read article>


ocotmomWho wouldn't pay hunnetts to see that fingering itself?


Octomom is broke and looking to star in a masturbatory porn flick to earn some monayyyy. The only question we have here is, who would pay good money to see a vagina stretched out by eight screaming newborns? The video is to be named: MILF, Mom I'd like to Forget what your Vagina looks like after you birthed us. Read article>

Mom of the Year Victoria Beckham drives off without Brooklyn to drop the kids off at school. Apparently Posh was just confused. She sped away after someone informed her she was in Brooklyn rather than that just being the name of the son who was waiting for her. Vic was all like Do I look like that fat bitch from Girls? Oh my god I think I just saw a size 6. Get me the fuck out of here. The most suspicious thing about this whole story is why the fuck Victoria Beckham would drive her own kids to school. That's what the nanny is for. Read article>

In other Beckham news, the new (way hotter) baby spice Harper has been offered her first modeling contract at 9 months old. That's right. While you were all chilling in your crib trying to eat your own hand, Harper was making fun of your fugly onesie and is already in talks with Armani to ban fat babies from Skinny Carriage: The Only Mobile Transportation for Babies with Standards. Time to start dieting Harps, in the Beckham Household, the only thing baby fat gets you is banished to Mel B's house to get babysat by her ass. Read article>


tan bitchYum


This week, in scary tanning news we have two stories that will make you think twice before breaking into that Memorial Day bikini. First is the picture of this woman's face. There's #27 tanning and then there's looking like you're the love child of Ghandi and Nelson Mandela. She got arrested because she allegedly brought her eight year old ginger daughter to a tanning booth where she got burned. That's what you get for trying to make gingers look normal. Read article>

Secondly, two betches (who we assume from this story were barred out) got run over by their brother while sleeping when they were tanning on the side of the road. The lengths some bros will go to be the tannest person in town. Our only question is, why couldn't they have just tanned by the pool at their country club? Crisis averted. Read article>

Man sues BMW for giving him a two year erection. Motorcycles, what a betch. First you spend all your money on them, then they get you hard for two years straight without so much as a blow job. Read article>

Lindzlo missed her flight to the White House Correspondents dinner. While Jezebel speculates that she was just taking a nap, we're told she missed the flight because she was preoccupied while drafting a bill to end the Israeli-Palestinian conflict and alleviate the US reliance on oil. Lohan-Sheen for president 16! Read article>

A fat University of Iowa girl is planning a rally in protest to a bar that called her fat by saying she couldn't dance on the table because she was "obviously pregnant." Wow, that's like really embarrassing. You know what's more embarrassing? Having the entire country know that you were kicked out of a bar for being too fat. You know what's even more embarrassing than that? Holding a protest to say you're upset that a bar called you fat. Turns out weight discrimination isn't illegal. Our forefathers must've forgotten that line in the Constitution about thou shalt allow fat girls to dance on tables." Fucking duh, Tommy Jefferson hated fat girls. That's why he made all his mistresses work out in the plantations. Read article>





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